Things Can Only Get Worse
by Cortex
Summary: The dark side are not in a good state at the moment. With Ganondorf the idiot, Vaati the mastermind, and Shadow Link the sweary juvenile, who would be? But when the three end up in a mickey- taking alternate dimension, it's imperative that they learn to put up with eachother through any means possible. It won't be easy though! Sequel to Asking For Disaster.
1. Ganondorf the Super Awesome

**Oookay, I'm back! First off, the title is subject to change, and so is the summary ('cause it stinks). The chapter posted here is the FULL version of the one posted one my dA account (Cortex-Aire).**  
**Updates will probably be weekly! Do enjoy! ^_~**

**Any chapters after this one will probably be a lot shorter!**

Chapter One: Ganondorf the Super Awesome

Vaati thumped the table with his fist angrily. "Blast it! Blast it! CENSORED!"  
Shadow, who had been dozing over his paperwork, looked up groggily. "Master, I did the calculations."  
Vio, who had been pacing the room thoughtfully, looked over his shoulder. "But they're all wrong, Shadow. How the heck did you get X squared in that position?"  
"What, sideways?"  
"No, no!" Vio pointed to the paper irritably. "Well, yes! Not only is it sideways, but it's supposed to be taken away from the larger-"

Shadow did not even allow his companion time to finish his sentence- a loud argument rapidly erupted between the two as neither refused to back down. It quickly ended when Vaati upended a barrel of lantern oil over the both of them. The girly shrieks that followed echoed around the labyrinthian dungeons for a long while.

When it faded, there was an awkward silence. It was now the wind mage's turn to pace, striding purposefully up and down the darkened stone paths.  
"Where IS he?" he hissed to himself. "He said he wouldn't be long..."  
Shadow and Vio were now frantically blowing on eachother's tunics to try and dry them. An idea struck the purple Link suddenly, and he brought out the Wind Waker from out of his pocket for use as a hairdryer. As is the norm in Zelda, it grew rapidly from a miniscule, easily contained item to a rather more normally- proportioned one. He waved it gently.

Unfortunately, the narrow labyrinth they were in acted as a very effective wind tunnel. Vaati found his pacing interrupted as his face was smashed at high speed into the door at the end of the tunnel. Shadow smashed into his back and they slithered down the woodwork, cartoon- style.

Vio stood behind them, whistling "O Fortuna" innocently.

"Oh, for [CENSORED]'s sake!" Shadow howled.  
"18 lines in and you're swearing already?! In the first book you took more than a chapter! Honestly, Shadow, you're deteriorating!" Vaati snapped. Shadow ignored him and swore again.  
"Where the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] is that Goddamned [CENSORED] fat lump of brain-dead flab?!"

The door suddenly flew upon, slamming the two against the opposite wall. Vaati ended up crushed under Shadow's backside in a very compromising position, but even though he was finding it difficult to see he could still hear his master's booming voice.

"Who the hell are you?" And a fart.  
"I'm Violet Link. Do you remember me last time we met, Master Ganondorf? In your study?"  
There was a silence.  
And more silence.  
And more silence.  
"...I don't know what you're even talking about! Do you know my two stupid minions, Vaati and Shadow Link?"  
"Yes, you seem to have crushed them."  
Ganondorf did not even glance in their direction. "Good. Your tunic's soaking! I bet you've just wet yourself because you're so in awe of my majesty. You're right to be, 'cuz I have a new title now. I'm called Ganondorf the Super Awesome!"

His attention was finally fully drawn to Vaati and Shadow by the latter's badly stifled laugh. The two disentangled and crawled over to their master. Ganondorf beamed.  
"Yes, that's it, minions, BOW TO MY AWESOMENESS! I see you've wet yourself too, Shadow. Good boy. VAATI! Why have you not wet yourself?! Do so NOW!"  
"I'll try, Master." Vaati muttered. He couldn't believe his heart was sinking already after only two minutes of being in Ganondorf's presence. He was pretty much in danger of excreting it. Still, perhaps that would please the unbelievably dull King Of Evil.

Ganon summoned his throne with a wave of his hand. It materialised in mid- air and, since he still hadn't mastered elementary summoning spells, remained there instead of falling to earth like it was supposed to. Because of this, another two minutes was wasted as he used his three lackeys as steps. Once he was seated comfortably, he proceeded to scratch his backside for a while and then give a sonorous "Ahem!"  
"AHEM!"  
"AHEMMMMMM!"  
"AHE- *cough* *hack* HEMHEMBLAAAURGHHACK!HACK!HACK!UUGH!"  
"A coughing fit again, Master?" Vaati asked disbelievingly. "Is the author running out of ideas that fast?"  
"Naah, it's just filler." Vio replied, and obediently handed Ganon some of Shadow's paperwork. Shadow behaved much more violently than Vaati would when confronted with the sight of his master eating the fruits of his labour, leaping at the throne with a yell of rage. He banged his head on the side and fell unceremoniously back to earth.

Ganondorf pushed the entire paper down his throat this time and swallowed neatly, proudly showing off the considerable expansion of his thorax since the first story. After he had finished with this activity, he spoke proudly.

"So, I'm supposing you're all waiting with eager anticipation to see what we're all doing here! No, no, don't even open your mouths, don't even BREATHE!... I seriously mean that, don't BREATHE. Anyway- I've called you three here because I've decided that we want to-"  
"The suspense really is killing me..." Vio gasped, and passed out. He was unceremoniously hurled out of the room.  
"- Fine, you can breathe then. Jerks. I didn't want that guy anyway. I want us three- me, Shadow, and you, Vaati- to carry out this new mission! Now, you may remember at the end of the last book where we decided to release ChuChus upon Hyrule, where they would devour everything. Well, Vaati has formulated the plan! I was going to, of course, but he insisted."

Vaati snorted quietly. His memory of events was rather different. In fact, he recalled Ganondorf holding him at swordpoint until he had produced 30 pages of plans for the damned creatures! And then, of course, Ganondorf had taken them away for "editing" and come back with the most asinine, stupid plot he had ever heard from the lips of his master, which was quite an achievement. But still, what more could you expect?

"So, what I presume we do..." Ganondorf began, "-is we could all hold hands and wish for ChuChus to fall from the sky! So it's raining ChuChus!"  
Vaati could have sobbed just hearing the plan outlined to him once more. Shadow's lips were twitching, a sure sign that he was about to laugh inappropriately again. The mage closed his eyes and hoped for the best. It was sheer luck that the boy kept silent.

They could hear Vio coming round outside ("What the... Dang... my head...").  
He had not had a good time since rejoining the dark side at the end of the first book, as he was still viewed as a traitor by many of the dark side. He had attempted to stay with Shadow Link in the Fire Temple, but the events of the Four Swords manga in which he had accidentally knocked a Hinox out with a hammer were still remembered. He feared for his life every night, and the ShadowxVio fanbase complicated matters further.  
Every day the two had been interrupted by yaoi fans peering through the windows expectantly. Eventually it had become too much, and he had moved in with Vaati. The two got on very well, both being highly intellectual- however, this developing friendship would now not be resumed for a while, as Ganondorf refused to accept Vio as "one of the gang". In fact, Ganny insisted that his own brainpower was more than enough for the new quest they were setting out on, and so the last surviving Link was now groaning and clutching his head outside the door.

Vaati sighed resignedly. "So, when are we going to carry out this... amazing plan, Master?"  
"TODAY!"  
"TODAY?!" This from both Vaati and Shadow.  
"Yes, today. Do I need to repeat it a third time?"  
"You just did repeat it a third time..."  
"SHADOW LINK! HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP!"

Vio was taken up to Vaati's room to recover.

Ganondorf had one final announcement to make. After the last story's unfortunate "incident" with Veran and the Hinoxes (there was a moment's silence to remember her passing, interrupted by Vaati bursting into noisy sobs), the onus was on Tingle to look after the ever-hungry army. This did not fill anyone with confidence, and even Ganondorf looked uneasy while saying it. The Dark Mirror was to be guarded by Onox.  
Vaati had a small heart attack at this point. "ONOX?! But- that giant axe he carries around! You KNOW he has no propioception! He's going to... going to..."  
"If you faint as well, we leave without you!" Ganondorf snapped as Vaati swooned into Shadow's arms. "Onox will be perfectly fine!"  
"Yeah, Master." Shadow agreed, flinging his arms wide and dropping Vaati with a THUNK onto the floor. "What's the worst that can happen?"

The three left fairly soon after, deciding to forgo the travel packs this time. Ganondorf had still not forgiven Shadow for giving him plaits, which he was still reminded gleefully about on a daily basis. On Vaati's insistence, they took a porta- potty ("Otherwise you'll just go weeing through Poes again, won't you...")  
Five steps away from the HQ, they realised they had forgotten a rather important item.  
"GHIRAHIIIIIIIMMMMM!" Vaati yelled to the sky.  
The David Bowie lookalike was currently having a well- earned rest in his chamber, and hearing this cry made him slither to the floor almost in tears. He could not BELIEVE the stupid original had actually got a sequel! Obviously the author was not being sympathetic, thus his status had not gone up in the world at all. After Veran's death, he expected to be moved at least one position up in the hierarchy, but the spot had been taken by Ganondorf's imaginary friend.

He wearily teleported himself to Vaati's side, sinking into a bow. "What ails you, sir? I assume I am the important item you've forgotten?"  
Vaati smirked to himself. "No. There are many other things that are much more important than you, such as useless blobs that do nothing but multiply."  
Ghi looked up, confused. "Humans?"  
He earned a smack for this. "No! Humans are cool! But Hylians will always be superior... And Minish, of course. But no- here, I am referring to the ChuChus. There's a box of them in my study. Get."  
"But..." Ganon's lip wibbled. "Aren't we going to wish?"  
"We'll wish as well. But we're just taking these in case it doesn't work-"

"My plans ALWAYS WORK! BECAUSE I'M SO CLEVER!" He summoned Ghirahim back to him magically, and the two crashed together. Vaati's patience snapped.

"Just let him get the ChuChus! Ghirahim! GO!" With that, Vaati magically flung Ghi across the yard.  
Ganon yanked him back.  
Vaati hurled him away.  
Ganon wrenched him back.  
Vaati swung him around his head like a hammer and sent him flying.  
Ganon procured a Hookshot and pulled him back.  
Vaati shot an arrow into Ghi's bum and-  
he ran screaming in a circle.  
"You're supposed to RUN AWAY!" the mage hissed.  
Shadow's footsteps sounded behind them suddenly. He was carrying the box of ChuChus.  
"Let's just [CENSORED] go, guys." he said wearily.

Since it was the start of a new quest, the three set off feeling enthusiastic (at least in Ganon's case) and energetic. Apprehension as to what they would encounter was high as they discussed what they might see, however it quickly descended into a raging argument when Vaati dared to challenge the existences of Spyro The Dragon and Melody the Music Fairy.

It seemed that Ganondorf's grip on reality was still not at its strongest, not least when he got in a fight with his imaginary friend about who should carry the ChuChu box the rest of the way. By this time, they were only halfway across Hyrule Field.  
It was winter now, and the first few flakes of snow were starting to fall. Shadow enjoyed it- at least it meant there was no sun. He flung himself on the ground to make a snow fairy and narrowly avoided a steaming pile of horse poo, much to Vaati's chagrin.

After Ganon had finished shadow- boxing (eventually declaring he'd won by default since his imaginary friend was STUPID! and USELESS!), they continued on their way. The sky was ominously overcast with thick clouds, hovering worryingly low over the field and the forests that lay beyond. Those remaining in the dark side's evil HQ went to turn on the heating, only to see it disappear with a pop as the author remembered there was no heating of such advanced design in medieval times. They all huddled together for warmth instead and entertained themselves by playing charades (which quickly descended into offensive impersonations of Ganondorf, Vaati, and Shadow).

Tingle sat miserably in the Fire Temple. He had been banned from going to the main HQ and the doors and windows had been magically barricaded just to make sure. Not even the Hinoxes would go near him. Not even the Dark Mirror would show him his reflection. He s-

Not even the author would write much about him.

Five minutes later, both Shadow and Ganondorf had tired of walking. Vaati didn't mind piggybacking Shadow that much, since the boy was light and wiry- but when Ganondorf insisted he should be carried as well ("it's only fair!"), he was quickly refused.  
"WHAAAAAAT?! Don't you know that's discrimination towards- um..."

"Idiots?" Vaati and Shadow muttered together. Ganon heard them and his eyes narrowed to furious slits. Without warning, he leapt on Shadow Link's back. Since Shadow Link was already perched on _his _back, Vaati pitched forward violently and almost crashed into Talon who was weaving his way drunkenly across the field.

"Hey, Talon!" he called enthusiastically. "You got any horses we could borrow?"  
Talon stopped and, despite his intoxication, managed to give each one of them a fierce glare. "I don't- hic- think so! You won't believe what you did to- hac!- that last one! Epona won't even go out of the shtables now! We're not besties friendlies anymore, Vaatiiii!" With that, he blew a raspberry and wobbled off.

Vaati stared after him in irritation, but said nothing. He surmised that he probably hadn't gotten over his daughter Malon's antics with Green Link yet.  
"Well, ain't he a [CENSORED] jerk! We woulda paid this time!" Shadow yelled after the drunkard. The desired effect would have been for Talon to turn around and enquire about the money the boy was offering- however, he seemed more interested in Shadow's first sentence.  
The three made much quicker progress across Hyrule Field after Talon chased them on Epona. Of course, since Vaati was the only one with his feet on the floor, progress was still quite slow. But it was still fast enough to outrun the horse, who refused to go near them in her ever- traumatized state.

They burst, panting, into the Kokiri Forest. Vaati promptly collapsed on the floor, and while Shadow had the sense of mind to roll to the side Ganondorf simply landed right on top of the mage.

"Vaati! Why did you drop us?" Ganondorf roared, getting to his feet and stamping obstinately.  
"I'm exhausted, Master." Vaati replied, still unable to get up himself. Shadow rolled his eyes and slung the mage over his bony shoulder.  
"Come on Master, we'll settle down somewhere now... Would this be a good place to release the ChuChus?"

Ganondorf did not even bother to listen for Vaati's reply. He had heard the word "ChuChus", and in his low- capacity brain this could mean only one thing.

He promptly tipped the entire contents of the box onto the floor with an unceremonious SPLAT. Shadow froze as the vacuous creatures slithered around, getting their bearings, before locking their sights on anything in their way. Unfortunately, the three villains were in the main firing line. Shadow realised this quickly and proceeded to run around in a circle shrieking, while Ganondorf grinned vacantly and settled down to pet his new- found friends.  
"SHADOW! SHADOW!" Vaati yelled, trying to struggle free of the boy's grasp. "Hey, Shadow! There's a ledge over there!"  
He pointed to the ledge jutting out that, in Ocarina Of Time, led up to the entrance to the Lost Woods. When the boy didn't respond, he managed to aim a powerful kick at the boy's chest, which his legs dangled over. Shadow yelped and flung himself to the floor, doubled up in pain, and Vaati took this opportunity to wriggle free, grab the boy's hand, and drag him towards safety as the ChuChus advanced squelchingly towards them.

_-  
**"Squelchingly"... aaah, what a fabulous adjective! I will see you next week!**


	2. The Son of Green?

**Hey guys, there are two pretty short chapters this time. It's basically one chapter broken into two for bad comedic effect. You'll see what I mean soon xD  
Enjoy! :3**  
**Mentions next chapter!**

**Chapter Two: The Son of Green?**

"Master Ganny, it would be best if you came too!" Shadow shouted behind him as he bounced along the grass. "Hey! Master Ga-" His head hit the side of the ledge as Vaati clambered up and forgot to lift him too. "HOLY [CENSORED], VAATI! OW!"  
"Oh, just put up with it!" his master hissed, and heaved him up. The two scrambled up some overhanging vines that led up to the highest point, which stood slightly above the roofs of the wooden houses of the forest. Ganondorf was still oblivious to their flight, of course, and a ChuChu was now beginning to gnaw at his leg.

Shadow made to rescue him, preparing to jump over the wooden fence that traced the edge of the cliff, but Vaati put a hand out and stopped him. He had a smirk on his face.

"Let's see how long ol' Pig- Face lasts." he said quietly, years of repressed resentment coming to the fore. Shadow gulped. It was still early in the morning- he had only just had his breakfast, so did he really want to see someone eaten alive right this minute?  
However, Ganondorf was rescued from his ugly fate seconds later- by a very unlikely saviour.  
"What the..." Vaati leaned over the fence, unable to believe his eyes.  
Shadow shrank back in horror.

A boy in a green tunic was sprinting up to their master, hurdling anything in his way with the abandon of a starving animal. Drawing his sword vicously, he proceeded to hack away at the ChuChus. Goo flew everywhere, splattering the walls and running down the rock. Ganondorf stepped back, horrified to the point of tears. Manly tears, of course.

"NO! DON'T HURT MY BABIES!" he shrieked. Green stopped and looked at him quizzically. Ganon sunk to his knees, sobbing.  
"Look at my leg!" he snapped, showing his bloodied limb to Green. "They were eating me because they loved me so much!"  
Green made several hand motions, adhering to the mute tradition of the Hero. None of the three got what he was trying to say. A thought struck Vaati, and he leaned over the fence.  
"How did you come back to life? Didn't we kill you after-"  
There was a silence as Green demonstrated more hand movements. Vaati went pale, an interesting contrast with his purple skin.

"You... are Green's and Malon's child... from the FUTURE?!"

"GET HIIIIIIIMMMMM!" Ganon roared, and proceeded to leap on spawn- of- Green (who we shall heretofore call Green the Second, which will probably become abbreviated to Green II, which will probably become abbreviated to Green. Just to confuse matters).  
Of course, this being a story that relies on cheap laughs, Green the Second's sword was rammed right up Ganon's porky backside. Shadow roared with laughter as Vaati leapt forward to help and tripped right over the fence, landing on his head many metres below.  
"See?! This is why I hate this guy!" Vaati hissed, before he passed out.

Shadow eventually decided to wander down to help when he realised Vaati wasn't going to wake up for a while. By this time the fight was all but won- Ganondorf was curled up on the floor while Green the Second blew raspberries at him. With every raspberry, the King Of Evil let out a wail.  
Shadow Link calmly walked up to the Hero and kicked him right where it hurt.

"OW! MY FACE!" Green shrieked, collapsing to the floor and rolling around dramatically, looking a bit like a Premier League footballer in the process of claiming a penalty. As he did so, a pale blue instrument rolled out of his pocket and lay on the floor. (Well, what else did we expect it to do? Dance a jig?)  
Shadow picked it up and studied it, half- interested. It was an ocarina, with ornate patterns and a Triforce around the mouthpiece. He sniffed it, licked it, and rubbed it on his tunic. He poked a finger through one of the holes and got it stuck. He spat on it and rubbed it with his sleeve, and smiled at his handsome reflection.

"Shadow, what are you doing?" Vaati groaned from the floor- he had just come round.  
"Look at this, Master!" Shadow shouted enthusiastically, running over and ignoring Green the Second's shouts of protest. "I got my finger stuck in- [CENSORED] [CENSORED [CENSORED]!"  
"Oh, stop being a wuss." Vaati muttered. He had pulled the Ocarina off rather briskly, and apparently Shadow hadn't quite liked the experience ("AAAH, YOU JERK! I BET MY [CENSORED] FINGER'S BROKEN NOW!")  
"SHUT UUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!" Ganondorf roared. He marched over, stopping to fart on spawn- of- Green first. "What's this thing?"  
Snatching it out of Vaati's grasp, he examined it. And, as expected, got his nose stuck.  
"God, I hate being a Gerudo. Who the hell invented the nose?" he muttered. Vaati wearily pulled it off. "AAAH, YOU JERK! I BET MY [CENSORED] SCHNOZZ IS BROKEN NOW!"

"Am I the only one who knows how to USE this thing?!" the mage yelled. Shadow and Ganondorf exchanged glances, looked shamefaced, and nodded. Vaati sighed, and proceeded to explain the complicated process of blowing air into something to make a noise. He put his fingers over various holes and demonstrated how the pitch and loudness could be changed, ignoring Ganondorf's heckles admirably ("Every time you blow into that, my sneezehole hurts! You MONSTER!")

Shadow Link sat enraptured. The last time he had heard music was when Ganny had farted the alphabet, and that hadn't been what one would call "tuneful". But this sound... It was gorgeous! It was soft and pretty, like a lady's voice. (Not that he had met many ladies... After Veran's death, there had been a severe shortage of female villains. Hopes had been raised when Yuga joined the group, but it was not to be).  
"So... do you know any songs?" he asked Vaati.  
"I just played you the entire backing melody to "Bohemian Rhapsody", boy!" Vaati snapped.  
"No, no. Zelda songs. Like from the games."  
"Stop breaking the fourth wall, will you." the mage muttered, but proceeded to play a couple anyway.  
A few things happened.  
First it rained, then Epona came trampling over them, then a disembodied voice spoke from nowhere ("Would you like to talk to Saria, Link?"), and finally they were teleported rather suddenly to-

***gasp***  
**Five seconds pause for suspense, please!  
**  
_One hippopotamus,_  
_  
Two hippopotamus,_

_Three hippopotamus,_

_Four hippopotamus,_

_Five hippopotamus!_

**Now next chapter! (if you haven't dissolved into despair at the state this story's in already).**


	3. The Return of Ghirahim

**Chapter Three: The Return of Ghirahim**

"What just happened then?"  
"What do you mean, what just happened then? We teleported!"  
"No, the chapter was cut off suddenly!"  
"It's called a cliffhanger, Shadow."  
"Ah."

Shadow and Vaati sat in the middle of the Temple of Time, on a raised platform with a depiction of the Triforce on it. Ganondorf was unconscious above them in the chandelier, and nobody wanted to ask how that had happened.  
As expected, it was the Temple from the OoT era. Three pendants hovered, glistening, above the stand in which they had been placed many centuries before. Beyond them, one could see a shadowed area broken by shafts of dusty afternoon sunbeams. The blade of what seemed like a sword glinted now and again, and it cast a deep shadow of its own that stretched out into the light. The two mages sat and observed it, taking in the opulence of their surroundings. Neither spoke; they simply **_KERRRRRAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_**

"Master, you ruined the moment!" Shadow yelled as Ganondorf disentangled himself from the wreckage of the chandelier. Vaati shook his head disapprovingly.  
"Well, I couldn't help it if the chanda- whatjamajigga fainted at my awesomeness!" Ganondorf hissed back, brushing himself off over the wind mage. "Anyway-" he pointed rudely at the sword in the opposite room- "who's that?"  
"Who's what, Master?" Shadow asked, craning his neck to see. "That thing over there?" He, too, pointed at the sword.  
"Yeah! Hey, YOU!" Ganondorf yelled. His voice echoed embarrasingly loudly around the domed walls. Obviously, no response was forthcoming from the long- suffering blade. "Yeah, you! Skinny, short person whose legs seem to be stuck in a plinth! Show yourself!"  
"They wouldn't be able to show themself if their legs were stuck in a plinth, though."  
"Shut up, Shadow!"  
"Shut up the both of you!" This from Vaati. "It's not a PERSON, it's a SWORD! The Master Sword, from the Era of the Hero of Time! Am I the only one who reads up on the history of Hyrule here?"

The author considered. "...You're probably the only one that can read." she muttered.

Vaati bowed. "Thank you, omnipotent four- eyes. See, even the author thinks you're stupid!" he snapped at Shadow and Ganon.  
Shadow burst into tears. Ganon fluffed and considered Vaati's statement. After half a minute of thought (which was a very impressive achievement for him) he decided on his response.

"I don't care whether I'm stupid or not!" Ganondorf said proudly. "Anyway, let's go and torture that person."  
"It's a _sword_." Vaati said in exasperation. As expected, nobody listened.  
They approached it together- Vaati miserably, Shadow excitedly, Ganondorf pompously. The King Of Evil stopped a couple of paces before it, and his face contorted into a variety of expressions.  
"That's confused... dead... constipated... vertigo... and back to confused." Shadow narrated as he and Vaati watched. When Ganny's features had settled, he marched right up to the sword and glared fiercely at it.  
"This isn't a person! It's a- a stabby thing!" he spat. Vaati put his head in his hands, deciding not to say anything.

Shadow walked up to it, running his hands up and down the hilt appreciatively. Ignoring Ganondorf's disappointed raspberries as he realised he wouldn't be able to beat it up, the shadow boy watched his reflection in the shining metal. How could it be so beautiful, after centuries of imprisonment in this musty old temple? His hand made a motion as if to pull it out, but glancing over at Vaati the wind mage seemed unsure.

Now it was Vaati's turn to examine the blade. He could remember snippets of the legend of the Master Sword... This was the blade that had allowed the Hero of Time to travel back and forth through the ages! He wondered if it still worked. If they pulled it out, could they possibly go back in time and stop Ganondorf being born? His heart soared at the prospect!

_Shadow_, he mouthed, _pull out the sword!_  
_Are you serious? _Shadow mouthed back. _Isn't that dangerous?_  
_We can stop Ganondorf being born!_  
That was all the persuasion Shadow needed. In one convulsive movement, he wrenched the blade out of its' pedestal and held it aloft.  
Several things happened, all at the same time.

An explosion of light filled the room, bleaching the walls and causing the three to flinch.  
A pillar of solid blue light shot up from the Master Sword as if it was a torch, illuminating their faces in an eerie glow.  
There was one more flash, and this time it filled everyone's field of vision. They couldn't see a thing, and crashed into eachother in frantic confusion. Ganondorf stepped on Shadow's foot, Shadow headbutted Vaati, and Vaati promptly fell over. Ganondorf stepped on his face.

The author went and got a drink of squash.

There was a silence, before... "WELL?! DON'T KEEP US IN SUSPENSE!" Vaati yelled.  
"Alright, alright." the author muttered. "Hold your horses."

After a long while, the light began to fade. Disorientated, Shadow cracked open his eye. Vaati did the same, just across the floor from him. They glanced at eachother, then looked around.  
They were lying on an ornate carpet, in what seemed to be the hallway of a very elaborate castle. The colour scheme was based around dark red, giving the walls an eerie light. There was not a sound to be heard anywhere except the sound of their own breathing. The silence was quite comforting, as if-

"HOLY HOWLIN' [CENSORED]!" Shadow screamed. Vaati jumped half a mile.  
"Shadow Link!" he hissed. "You almost gave me a heart atta-"  
"NO GANNYBOOBY!"

The two lay there, hardly able to believe their luck. How had that... actually gone RIGHT?  
Getting to his feet, Shadow was the first to take a good look around. The hallway was a bit like the corridors back at the dark side's HQ, where they had been discussing their quest in Chapter 1- they were long and empty, with some doors leading off to other mysterious rooms. He took a few tentative steps forward, his feet making smooth _ksh- ksh_ noises on the carpet. Vaati followed him, keeping an eye out for any nasty surprises which may leap out at them. Noticing a logo on the wall, he leaned in and observed it closely.  
It was quite a simple drawing; just a picture of the Triforce with a bold red line through it against a black backdrop. Typed underneath it were words that made his heart sink.

**WELCOME TO DIERULE CASTLE**

"Shadow..." The words seemed to be reluctant to come out of his mouth. "I don't think Ganon's gone."  
Shadow turned round and came back cautiously. He, too, observed the logo and closed his eyes in despair. "Oh, [CENSORED]. How did this happen?"

"It seems that you've been transported to a Zelda game seven years in the future by the Master Sword." replied the author. "I'm debating whether to tell you who's the big shot around here..."  
"Lemme guess, Ganon?" Vaati suggested.

The author typed a couple of lines into her computer. A giant Wallmaster burst out of the bricks and punched him in the face.

"How dare you!" she hissed. "I'M the big shot around here! ME! Without me, this story wouldn't even exist! You better be grateful, Asking For Disaster wasn't even going to GET a sequel!"  
Shadow whimpered. "Excuse me, O omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent Cortex..."  
"Yes?"  
"Are you the villain of this story, then?"  
The Wallmaster that had previously punched Vaati hoisted Shadow up by his collar. "What do you mean by that? Do I LOOK like a witch to you?"  
"No, no, no!" Shadow squeaked. "I just mean... villains are really cool, aren't they? And you're really cool! Yeah, you are! So... uh... are you, like, the Queen or anything?"  
He was gently lowered to the floor, much to his relief.  
"No, no." the author sighed, typing random letters into her keyboard. A marimba appeared out of mid- air and Vaati started playing it maniacally. "Unfortunately not... You'll find out in a couple of minutes who your lord and master is. I guarantee you'll be happy about it! Oh, and what do you think of the kingdom name? Hyrule to Dierule?"  
"It's better than Lorule." Vaati whimpered as he began playing the marimba with his feet. The author smiled, and a ray of sunlight pierced through the gloomy clouds outside the castle.  
"Of course it is. Now, I'd better stop interfering with the story."  
With that, there was a snap and the Wallmasters disappeared. The marimba also vanished, much to Vaati's relief.

"This is getting painful." groaned the fourth wall.

Vaati and Shadow froze as they heard footsteps coming down the hallway. These footsteps, unlike Ganon's, were light and dainty. Sometimes they would pause, and there would be a little _tappity-tap-tap _rhythm as the owner of the feet apparently did a balletic dance. Then they would continue, and as they came nearer and nearer the two had little option but to sink into the shadows. Shadow found himself clinging onto Vaati's tunic and swearing under his breath. Vaati just stood stock- still and formulated emergency escape plans.

The figure finally came into view- and the two recognised the slender, pale figure at once. However, he was not the lowly lackey he had been seven years before. Instead he walked with a proud, regal grace, head held high and vision fixed straight ahead as if regarding the palace with all the pride in the world.  
"G- Ghirahim?" Shadow breathed. "What happened to him?"

"I don't think he's our servant in the future, somehow." Vaati gulped.

**DIERULE! Wah ha ha ha haaaaaa! You have no idea how long I spent thinking of that one xD  
So, which pun do you think is worse? Lorule or Dierule? One sounds like it's out of a bad fanfiction, the other actually is! Whoohoo!**

**justarandomguy**: Thank you for the favourite, follow, and review! Actually, you've waited about three months for a sequel, so I reckon you deserve one for being so patient! ;) And I'm glad you liked the progression, thank you so much!  
Haha, I know right? Don't worry, I always find the toilet humour moments pretty amusing too. (Is it wrong to laugh at your own story! xD ) He's going to be doing a lot more of it, no worries... poor old Ganny and his gas problems!  
And actually, your English was very good! I'm impressed! :3

**WraithHeart**: Haha, well I'm sure you got a surprise this chapter! Alas, Ghirahim seems to have progressed up the hierarchy quite a lot in this chapter! I wonder how long it'll last... he won't be used to being top dog, bless him. He'll probably have a nervous breakdown soon enough XD  
Yeah, Shaddy has it pretty easy compared to Vaati, and as for Vio... well, he spends most of his time avoiding yaoi fans in the HQ, but apart from that I wouldn't imagine he has much trouble. Well, maybe!  
Ah yes, brain deterioration IS one of the side effects of Tingle exposure. I reccommend lying down in a nice dark room until the hyperventilating wears off.  
Yaaay! Death threats! :D Alex Mercer? Isn't he the human that was transformed into the virus? *shivers* Aaauuuugggghhhh! I don't wanna be consumed! *has Ghirahim- style nervous breakdown*

**Parody Perfect**: Thank you for the review! :3 I'm so glad you liked!  
O_O Wow, you really think so? Thank youuu! *squee* Well, I'll try my best...though I'm sure there'll be some terrible plotholes and cringeworthy humour coming along shortly XD  
Haha, I wonder! I haven't decided yet (why the heck do I STILL not prewrite...?) so we'll see! XD

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: Thank you for the follow! :3 I hope you enjoy it!

**If you want to review, you don't have to leave a review for each chapter, you can just comment on the two as a whole :3**  
**Farewell until next Sunday! *waves***


	4. Sahasrahla!

** Yaay, I'm ill again! *sarcasm* **  
**But never mind! I quite enjoyed writing this chapter xD No idea why. Enjoy!**  
**"Sahasrahla" sounds so much like a blasphemy. I love it!  
Please, take a moment to notice the neatly underlined chapter title. *looks proud* **

Chapter Four: Sahasrahla!

The two hunched their shoulders, backing even further against the wall.

Vaati was more than a little apprehensive about what this new Ghirahim might be like- would he be willing to offer hospitality to his two former masters, who had both been rather cruel to him? The mage was now slightly regretting the events of Asking For Disaster and the opening chapter of this sequel.  
Ghirahim happened to glance over in their direction. Despite their attempts to distract him, it was obvious this was never going to work when Shadow yelled "BALD EAGLE! OVER THERE!" as an ill-fated diversion attempt.

Ghi was not fazed. "Vaati? Shadow Link?" He moved closer, clicking his fingers. A light went on over their heads and illuminated them perfectly, giving the two nowhere to hide. Ghirahim looked even more pale in the whiteness, and a malicious smile spread over his face.  
"So." he began. "So."  
"You've said that already." Shadow pointed out.  
"SILENCE!" Ghirahim yelled, and whipped out a royal sceptre. He pointed it accusingly at the boy, who flattened himself against the wall and swore loudly. Vaati did the same, except he had the sense not to be so blasphemous.  
Their former servant looked down his nose at them. He raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

"GUAAAAAAAARDS!"

Two Gorons lumbered into sight. One rolled into the wall, sustaining slight concussion in the process. The other appeared to be smoking a pipe, and was old and wrinkled. The pipe kept going out however, which was a source of great annoyance to him and he was constantly bringing out a lighter to relight it.

He did so just now, and the flame that shot up happened to set Vaati's incredibly long hair on fire.  
"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAA!" Vaati shrieked, running into the wall and smacking his face on a portrait of Ghirahim (which he had, inexplicably, not noticed before).  
"Can You Hear Me (Ayayaya), released in 2012 by JME." Shadow announced. The concussed Goron recovered its senses enough to slap him round the face.  
"No, no, you stupid Goron!" Ghirahim shrieked as one of Shadow's canines flew over his head. "You use the restraining technique I showed you! Remember?"  
Vaati rolled around on the floor shrieking, and Ghi took this opportunity to demonstrate the "Kiss of the Scissors" technique on him. Of course, this meant that flames shot viciously up his leotard, and soon enough both he and Vaati were writhing around on the carpet. Shadow slumped to the floor, roaring with laughter (punctuated, of course, by many swear words). His laughter abruptly stopped, however, when the Gorons finally got the hang of what Ghi had been trying to demonstrate to them and tried it out on the shadow.  
"HOLY HELL!" he screamed. "LET GO OF MY [CENSORED] NECK, THAT'S MY PERSONAL PROPERTY!"

To cut a long paragraph short, more security was called and the two were thrown in the palace prison. It was at the very top of the main tower, the tallest one that scraped the clouds above them. Vaati's robes and hair had been put out unceremoniously, and were still gently smoking. He and Shadow sat together, the latter massaging his neck, in an annoyed silence.  
"This is becoming a running joke from the original, how we're always being thrown in dungeons or whatever. And don't you dare be a smart[CENSORED] and tell me it's actually a tower!" Shadow snapped.  
"I wasn't about to." Vaati replied miserably.  
"Of course you weren't. Someone as stupid as you wouldn't be able to!" came a voice from the shadows.  
Shadow's heart, Vaati's heart, and the readers' hearts all sank as they realised who it was.

Ganondorf strode out, smiling smugly. He looked down his beaked nose at Shadow and Vaati in the usual contemptuous way, as if they were not sealed in a dungeon together but rather in his palace, bowing down to him as usual. It was somewhat of a relief that the tower was heavily shadowed, so one couldn't see much of his face (pug-ugly as ever, of course). It seemed that he, too, had somehow been transported to this world by the Master Sword and fallen foul of Ghirahim.  
_Perhaps he's grown more intelligent after seven years_, Vaati thought hopefully.  
"Where are we, anyway? It's not very light here, is it? I can barely see that thing on the end of my arm with the five rods sticking out of it!" Ganondorf whimpered. Vaati's hopes sank faster than his heart had.  
"We've been captured and thrown in a tower, Master." Shadow replied.  
"MASTER GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME TO YOU, PEASANT!"  
"Master Ganondorf the Super Awesome."  
"Not so awesome now, though, are you?" Vaati hinted, wondering if Ganondorf had the slightest idea of what was going on. "I mean, with Ghirahim the top dog and everything..."

The response was immediate. Upon learning that he was no longer the sole ruler of the kingdom he had worked so hard to destroy, the King Of Evil dropped to his knees and bawled. He sounded remarkably like a baby, even stopping now and then to suck his thumb. He lay on the floor and wailed. He banged his head against the walls and sobbed. He rolled into a ball and bounced around the room, howling.  
"Oh my God." Shadow said simply. "This is ridiculous."  
"Master, please! Calm down! It isn't THAT bad!" Vaati yelled, seizing Ganondorf's shoulder and shaking him. He was rewarded with a face full of tears and snot as Ganny burst into fresh wails.  
"WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!" Shadow impersonated his master rather uncannily. "BOO HOO, WAAAAAA, BOO HOOOOOOOO!"  
Ganondorf managed to stop crying long enough to punch him. Then he resumed again.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAABOOHOODYHOOOOOOOOOO! OH, WOE IS ME! BOOHOOHOOOHOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Vaati sunk to the floor with his head in his hands, recognising the start of a migraine. "Kill me now." he muttered through his fingers.

"Wait, I know! This must be our new quest, right? To overthrow Ghirahim!" Shadow announced, feeling rather clever. In fact, he felt so clever he forgot to swear.  
Ganondorf's woes receded immediately and his eyes brightened at the mention of a quest. He had quite enjoyed the first one (except for when Vaati had blown up Telma's Bar and left him and Shadow to fend for themselves. It had also involved the tragedy of spilt beer kegs, but apart from that he had been rather happy about how things turned out).  
Seizing Vaati's cape, he proceeded to blow his nose wetly and loudly into it. The mage stood stock- still, willing himself not to throw up as Ganondorf wiped his snail trails up his sleeve.

"Are you feeling better now, Master?" he asked faux- sweetly.  
Ganondorf burped. "Of course I am! There's nothing wrong with a man having a good cry to get everything out of his system!"  
"Better in than out, yes!" Shadow announced, and Vaati only just stopped the boy letting rip with an enormous bodily explosion of gas. "Master, you ruin all the [CENSORED] fun!"  
"For a reason." Vaati replied. "Anyway, I really think we should focus on how we're going to get out of here."

The three immediately set to thinking, or more like Shadow and Ganondorf sat and examined the walls while Vaati racked his brains. The mage paced the room in the darkness, ignoring his underlying frustration at his completely useless fellow villains. He supposed that this would always be a given, like a mathematical formula. But, seriously... how had this happened? How did Ghirahim, who was rather low down in the Kuroi hierarchy to say the least, ever overthrow Ganondorf? The guy was intelligent, sure, but Ganny had brute force and an army on his side. Something really massive must have happened.

He wondered briefly if it was something to do with spawn- of- Green, the boy they had encountered before they had come here. Had he grown up and... aided Ghi somehow? Had Ghi crossed over to the good side, and Link helped him?

Theories pounded against his skull until he felt the telltale beginnings of a mental breakdown. Massaging his temples, he turned to Shadow.  
"You and Ganondorf had any ideas yet?"  
"What do you [CENSORED] think? Keep pacing, brainy!"

Vaati suppressed a desire to punch the boy in the face, and turned his thoughts back to the main problem. How were they going to escape now? He remembered when they had been trapped in Zora's Domain, Ghirahim had busted them out. And he had found Tingle for them in Goron City. In fact, looking back, the Ziggy Stardust lookalike had been more than helpful over the course of Asking For Disaster. Now, of course, they would have to find a way to-  
As usual when he was in deep thought, he wasn't really concentrating on where he was going. Imagine his utter surprise when he walked into the wall.

"Yup, we're imagining." said the readers.  
"You're not imagining hard enough!" the author snapped, slamming her computer lid shut. "Get up, all of you, and WALK INTO THE WALL!"  
The readers dutifully got to their feet and walked straight into the fourth wall.

"Hey, did you hear that bang?" Shadow asked, looking up from squashing a bug under his fingernail.  
"Yeah... It sounded like several people walking into a wall at once." Ganondorf observed. "Perhaps they're trying to get in?"  
"This fic is going to the dogs already. Just get on with it!" the author's omnipotent voice boomed, making Shadow flinch and Ganny pull a face. Vaati was still examining the tiles he had just collided with.  
"What's this, then...?" he muttered to himself, noticing a grey one with a slightly lighter grey arrow marked onto it. It looked a bit like it was from one of the retro Zeldas. He tapped it, then thumped it, yet nothing happened. With a flash of inspiration, he brought out an old Classic Controller Pro from his pocket and pressed "A".

"Link? Link?" An old man's voice sounded in the room. Shadow and Ganondorf immediately leapt up- Shadow in terror, Ganon in hatred.  
"LINK? WHERE IS HE?!" he roared, flexing his muscles in a menacing display to someone who wasn't even there.  
"Master, shush!" Vaati gestured with his hands and bent down to the tile, which was about chest- height as if it was meant for someone younger than him.

He listened for the man's voice again, and soon enough it came.  
"Is that you, Link?" Vaati quickly gestured over to Shadow, who ran dutifully to his side. Vaati whispered something to the boy, who nodded and repeated it word- for- word to the tile.  
"Yes, it's me. The Hero." Shadow felt completely confident saying this; after all, he was really, wasn't he? Just his shadow. "Who are you?"

"I'm Sahasrahla! Don't you remember, boy?"

Shadow paused for thought, but Vaati's quick mind had already formulated a reply. Shadow listened to his master's whispers and then repeated them.

"Yeah, sure I do! It's just that I've been kidnapped and thrown in a tower, so I'm suffering a bit from amnesia."  
"Who's whispering to you? Is there someone whispering?"  
"No, it's just static."  
"Are you sure? I'm a little suspicious..."  
Vaati stepped back and did sign language instead. Shadow watched him closely.  
"Link? Are you still there?"  
"Y-E-S, S-A-H-A-S-R-A-H-L-A."  
"Are you okay?"  
"I H-A-V-E B-E-E-N P-U-T U-N-D-E-R A C-U-R-S-E W-H-E-R-E I C-A-N O-N-L-Y T-A-L-K A-S I-F I A-M F-O-L-L-O-W-I-N-G H-A-S-T-I-L-Y P-E-R-F-O-R-M-E-D S-I-G-N L-A-N-G-U-A-G-E."  
"Weren't you talking fine just a minute ago?"  
"D-E-L-A-Y-E-D E-F-F-E-C-T-S."

Whatever Sahasrahla said next was drowned out by Ganondorf. To Shadow and Vaati's horror (and the old man's complete confusion) he stretched, yawned loudly and announced "God, this is PAINFUL to watch! I'm BORED!"  
"Master, shut UP!" Vaati hissed, making swift motions with his finger across his throat. Ganondorf blew a loud raspberry.  
"I don't care if my head is falling off! I need to go potty as well!"  
"SHUT UP, YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!" Shadow screamed. As Vaati rugby- tackled Ganny to the ground (as the King of Evil was now moving very fast, with a very violent look on his face, towards the boy), he turned back to the tile and yelled "Sahasrahla, please help! We're- I mean I'm- in Ghirahim's tower and we need rescuing right now! I was shouting at a giant ugly moblin who was waddling towards me like the fat lump of [CENSORED] he is!"  
Ganondorf gave another roar of rage and almost trampled clean over Vaati, who by some feat of superhuman strength managed to wrestle him back down to the floor again. Shadow glanced back, knowing he didn't have much time left.  
"So PLEASE SEND HELP! PLEASE!" he yelled. "My comrade is only just holding him down! He's going to kill me soon! Help!" With that, he emitted some convincing shrieking noises and then fell to the floor dramatically.

On the other end, an old man withdrew from the wall, eyes narrowed to slits. The hero was in danger... Nothing like this had happened before! Also, he was slightly annoyed that after turning up in ALttP and ALTP, he still wasn't able to retire. Goddamn evil. Summoning a great ball of energy, he focused his mind on the tower of evil that "Link" was kidnapped in- that twisting, turreted monstrosity that had appeared upon the horizon and cast waves of fear across the land.

With one finger he beckoned to an old ChuChu that had been slurping about in the grass outside his simple home. It slimed towards him lazily, and sat by his side like an obedient, if slightly fatigued, dog. This ChuChu was not special- in fact, after three evil villains had released an entire population of them onto the world seven years ago, they had reproduced ceaselessly until they were the only living non- human creatures in Hyrule, having absorbed anything too slow or stupid to get out of their way into their gelatinous bodies forever. At first, there had been a minor panic as they threatened to overtake the entire kingdom, but the three Kuroi masterminding that plan had mysteriously disappeared during that time so there was no driving force behind them. They had gradually been tamed by the Hylians and were now very common as domestic pets, even though they were quite possibly the most boring organisms in the universe.

"Bob- I want you to go to the topmost tower of Ghirahim's tower." he whispered. Stroking his hand across the creature, he allowed the turquoise- coloured electricity flashing across his palm to be absorbed into it. Bob's eyes widened and a wide grin spread across his face, and he began bouncing around as if touched by some inexplicable energy. The sage attatched a small note and map around his neck with a loose thread, which thankfully was not sucked into the creature's girth.  
Sahasrahla opened the door again. "GO!"  
Bob didn't need any more encouragement. He shot off at speed.

_  
**Aaand that's it! :D I hope everyone was okay with all the ALttP references?  
Alas, poor Ganondorf... xD  
**

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: Thank youuuu! *hugs* Haha, well I have found a way to work your "one and only" into the story, it won't be for a couple of chapters yet but he will certainly turn up (probably towards the end), in an unexpected way!  
And yeah, that fourth wall hasn't finished suffering yet! Heehee! I love fourth wall breaking, because I'm totally shameless and love putting myself in my own story!  
That's what I'm aiming for! Yay!

**WraithHeart**: Yeah, I agree, Ghira isn't cut out for near world- domination.  
PORKY- SHORTS! Wah ha ha ha haaa! What a perfect name! And yes, I do have an explanation for that, which you will find out later in the story ;) That is, if you haven't diced me because of the lack of an update.  
Hmmm *looks around quickly* let'sjustpretendtheMasterSwordhashadasuddenchangeofproperties *takes breath* anddoesn'tburnevilvillainsintodustanymore *another deep breath* becauseoftheauthor'stotalnegligence! Hee hee! A plothole already! *grins back*  
*flinches from enormous blade* Oh brother, these threats are getting more elaborate by the week! N-not my arms! I LOVE MY LIMBS! And my spine! They're very important, don't you know! I wouldn't be able to write any belated updates if I happened to be lacking arms!  
After you mentioned it, yes I had a look! Unfortunately I'm not very into Harry Potter so I didn't get all of the references, but the ones that I did get were very entertaining! She's a very talented writer, certainly :D Thank you for telling me about it!

**Parody Perfect**: Ah, did you? ;D Well, congratulations! And yes, indeed I can! Thank you for that! I think that'll end up being my excuse for pretty much everything in the story! Thank goodness for messed up storylines *phew*  
Completely unrealistic alternate universe? Space- time continuum!  
Shadow Link namedropping songs from several thousand years later? Space- time continuum!  
Ganondorf having a total breakdown? Space- time continuum!  
Yippeee! And thank you! :D

**I will see you all next week! *waves* Any questions, feel free to ask! **


	5. The Flight of Bob

**D'you know, I'm quite proud... I haven't missed a single update deadline since I started writing! Yay!  
Of course, this means that next week you'll get your chapter three days late. Such is my luck.  
Enjoy! :D**

Chapter Five: The Flight Of Bob

**Trigger warning: **Shadow's face falls off. And Vaati says "arse". Edgy.

The first thing anyone in the castle knew about Bob's arrival was when Ghirahim was knocked off his feet by an orange blob rushing down the aisle. He did a full flip in the air before landing on his back.  
"Holy me!" he gasped, looking behind himself. "What WAS that? How dare it knock me off my beautiful, dainty feet?"  
But before he could pursue, it had shot round a corner and left him choking on its dust.

Ganondorf, Vaati and Shadow were in the middle of a raging argument when Bob arrived. They had quickly fallen out after Ganon had rudely interrupted their hasty conversation with Sahasrahla, most probably blowing their cover. Vaati had managed to get Ganondorf in an armlock and was holding him there while Shadow kicked his backside repeatedly, and it was this ugly scene that the ChuChu intruded upon. It sat sliming away in the corner for a few minutes, observing and trying to compute the situation in its tiny brain (which, incidentally, was probably not much bigger than Ganondorf's). It was Shadow who noticed it first, and let out an incredibly girly scream quickly offset by a rendition of swear words. It was only his minion's shock that persuaded Vaati to let go of his master's neck, and Ganon fell to the ground almost unconscious. Vaati could be incredibly strong when he wanted to be.

The mage now turned his attention to the creature that was still watching them, expressionless eyes like currents in its empty face. He knew from ugly experience that ChuChus had mouths, however, and were ready and willing to eat anyone in their path up. But this one... this one just didn't seem all that dangerous.

Shadow nudged Vaati in the side. "What's that around its' middle?" he asked cautiously, afraid to point.  
"It's a rope or something." Vaati observed. "But it looks as if there's paper attatched to it. Who's going to volunteer?"  
"Volunteer to what?" Ganondorf whimpered.  
"I can't believe I even need to complete that sentence." his minion sighed, shaking his head in faux- sadness. He continued slowly, as if talking to a baby. "Who's going to volunteer to get long thing with square thing from around orange blob?"  
"Me! I'll do it!" the King Of Evil announced, seeing this as an opportunity to redeem himself or die trying. He leapt up, almost tripping over his cape, and stood proudly. "Because I'm a MAN!"  
"Never." Vaati drawled, but stood aside anyway.

Ganon advanced towards Bob, flexing his muscles. To his disappointment, the creature didn't wet itself with awe or fling itself at his feet, but simply stared back at him. Actually, one eye seemed to be staring up his nose and the other one at the ceiling. Either way, it wasn't paying attention- and that was something that Ganondorf did NOT like.

"Excuse me!" he bellowed. "I am Ganon the Super Awesome, and I ask you to please look at me! If you don't, I'll punch your guts out!"  
No response.  
"I'll punch your guts out!"  
No response.  
"I'LL. PUNCH. YOUR. _GUTS_. OUT!"  
No response.  
Ganon turned and broke wind on it, loudly and wetly. Vaati and Shadow closed their eyes in despair- _here we go again._  
But Bob's response was immediate. Taking an almighty leap that shouldn't have been possible for a creature of a ChuChu's physiological makeup, it latched on to Ganondorf's backside using a set of incredibly sharp teeth that had quickly evolved during the seven years his species had had to roam free.

Shadow Link watched with tears of laughter in his eyes as Ganon hurtled around the room, flab wobbling as he screamed. Vaati chased him around, but had to keep jumping out of the way lest the man and his massive girth crash straight into him.  
"THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT! THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT!"  
"Yes, Master, there's a ChuChu on your butt! Now hold still and let me get it off!"  
"NO! GERROFF ME, VAATI! I DON'T WANT YOU ON MY BUTT TOO!"  
Shadow sunk to his knees, whooping.  
"Master, believe me when I say I have no intention of going near your arse! Now hold STILL!"  
"NO! THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT!"  
"THE CHUCHU IS GOING TO CHOMP IT OFF UNLESS YOU LET ME- _**OW**_!"

Ganondorf had managed to catch the mage across the face with one of his flailing arms. Several of Vaati's teeth subsequently flew across the floor. Shadow picked one up and examined it, but his attention was recaptured by the sight of Vaati pulling a support from the wall in desperation and whacking Ganon repeatedly over the head with it. Of course, the normally intelligent and reasonable mage realised too late that this was a bad idea. As the first few flakes of plaster crumbled down from the roof, he swiped Bob off Ganondorf's backside in one swift movement and pulled the paper attatched to the rope off. Reading it hastily, his face broke into a wide and inadvertent grin.  
It read as follows:

Link, this is Sahasrahla. We've lost contact, so I've sent my ChuChu, Bob, over to you. He's blessed with super- speed due to a powerful and highly illegal magic spell I have recently performed on him. Jump on his back and he'll take you to safety. Be quick though!

"Why does he say to be quick?" Shadow asked, looking over his master's shoulder. Attatched to the note was a crude map of the overworld, and it was this that Vaati took a brief glance at before jumping on Bob's back. It hardened slightly underneath him, giving him a good grip without feeling too uncomfortable or absorbing him.  
"I don't know! I would imagine the spell is temporary. Get Ganondorf!" he yelled back, having to raise his voice over the horrible sound of brick crashing against brick as the walls began to collapse.  
Shadow, thinking on his feet, turned and grabbed Ganondorf into an enormous wedgie. The man screamed as his backside was promptly flossed, and before he could turn and blast the living daylights out of the boy who had done this to him he found himself tied up in his cape and thrown on the back of the ChuChu.  
"WHAT ARE WE DOING?! SHADOW! VAATI!" he roared, thrashing as he attempted to get out of the knots Shadow had tied him up on. Vaati put a spell on them to strengthen the bonds, and kicked his heels against Bob's sides.  
"Go!"

Ghirahim had been helped shakily to his feet by one of his guards, and was now pacing the hallways in great irritation. He flipped his hair across his face several times, trying to regain the dignity he had so quickly lost. All this did, however, was cause him to hit his head with a THUNK on the wall.  
"Bad day, my lord?" a soldier asked as Ghirahim staggered by. Said lackey was in the middle of being strangled when a rapid squelching noise filled the corridors.

"Um?" Ghirahim turned and saw a sight he had NOT been expecting. That obstinate orange blob was speeding towards him with his three captives clinging onto the back- Vaati attempting fruitlessly to steer, Shadow hanging on for dear life and screaming a constant stream of swear words ("[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]IDIOTAUTHOOOOOORRRRRR!" and then Ganondorf was in the middle of the two, with his pants pulled up over his head and his legs tied to his stomach by his cape.

His usually- quick brain had only just computed this scenario when it smashed straight into him.  
"Sorry!" Vaati called behind, as a terrible cracking noise hinted that they had perhaps run over the king.  
"Don't...mention...it." Ghirahim whimpered, before passing out. Shadow roared with laughter, and even Ganondorf managed a chuckle.

They galloped (slimed?) through the castle at a brilliant pace, putting out candles from the wind they created as they roared past (or whether it was Ganondorf's backside, we shall never know for sure). Tapestries of heroes from ages gone by flashed past in an instant as Bob made his dogged way towards Sahasrahla's house. Ganondorf bounced along on his back happily, seeming to enjoy himself at last.  
"Where are we going?" Shadow yelled to Vaati.  
"Have you forgotten already? The place on the m- OW! MY FACE!"

The drawback to being so close to the ground was that any bushes that happened to be in their way simply got ploughed straight through. A twig had gone straight through Vaati's remaining eye and was now poking out of the back of his head. Shadow wiggled it around.  
"SHADOW LINK, THAT'S MY BRAIN!" Vaati yelled as a horrible squelching sound was heard. "And I'm the only one out of you lot who HAS a brain, so don't you dare damage it!"  
"Can I write my name on your thinky- thing?"  
"NO!"  
"Fine, then. I'll write something else."  
The stick was waggled around a little more. "See? Perfection!"  
"Huh? What did you write?"  
"[CENSORED]!"  
"Did you put the squared brackets around the CENSORED, not the rounded ones?"  
"No, no, I actually wrote-" there was a silence as Shadow whispered it.  
Vaati, with a scream, turned round and proceeded to punch Shadow in the face. The boy's eye flew out and hit Ganondorf in the nose.

"Two can play at that game!" the King of Evil screamed. He kicked Vaati's head off. Vaati turned round and punched his guts out. Shadow's face fell off.  
"ENOOOOOOUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" a powerful voice declared. "Enough of the biological impossibilities!"  
Everyone's body parts magically returned to their rightful positions, just as Bob screeched to a halt in front of an old man. He stood in front of them now, beard falling to the floor and framed by a long cape. The look on his face was not approving.  
"Who the hell are you?" he asked. "I sent Bob for Link!"  
"I'm Link!" Shadow announced, leaping off Bob hopefully. He stood up straight, preparing himself for inspection. "I kinda forgot my sword, and my shield, and my blonde hair dye, and my blue contact lenses, and my green tunic, but I'm Link alright! And these guys-" he waved towards Vaati and Ganondorf- "are Navi and Midna!"

Sahasrahla examined them closely. He squinted, leaning forward until his back hurt. His disc would have slipped had the author not wanted to advance the story quickly. "Well, I don't think you've got the right people. But I trust you, Link. Come inside!"

"Wow, that was easy!" Shadow whispered. Vaati allowed himself a smile, and patted him on the back to show his approval. The boy had basically blagged them into the base of a very powerful sage! Surely here they would find some secrets.  
They left Bob tethered outside and entered the house.

Sahashrala was a corteous host- despite his misgivings about Shadow's identity, he made everyone tea and brought out a round of biscuits.  
"Are they made of solid gold?" Ganondorf enquired, poking them. Vaati slapped his hand ("Be polite!")  
"Solid gold! Naw, I made 'em out of solid dough!"  
Ganondorf's eyes bulged with suppressed fury. "But that's RUBBISH! If my millions of big castles were made out of DOUGH, I'd knock them all down because they'd be STUPID!" he howled. Vaati gave him a wicked pinch under the table and he reluctantly shut his mouth again.  
Shadow Link's eating habits had still not improved since the first story, and any cookie unfortunate enough to enter his mouth would promptly be sprayed all over anyone else at the table whenever he talked. Even Ganondorf had to duck before a chocolate chip hit him in the eye. Sahasrahla was too polite to say anything, and allowed his face to be splattered with dough without a word of complaint. Eventually Vaati snapped and held Shadow's mouth shut.

"Mrmph mumph!" the boy continued, completely oblivious. "Suns, whudaa dug?"  
"No, I don't really think that would be possible..." Sahasrahla mused.  
"Vuh nuiddy viggy!"  
"Does he?" The sage leaned over the table in interest. "How did you learn that?"  
"Shadow, are you giving away secrets?!" Vaati yelled, taking his hand away from the boy's mouth.  
"VAATI HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN CHAPTER FIFTEEN LAST TIME!" Shadow screamed gleefully. He whipped a pile of forged Rupees out of his pockets and slammed them down on the table. "How much d'ya wanna bet on him having another one? Bagsy Chapter... Ten!"  
"I think Chapter Twelve." Sahasrahla replied. "Yes, Chapter Twelve for 100 Rupees."  
"You got yourself a deal." Shadow snarled. "Ya just wait, I'm gonna drive him so damn loopy he won't be able to tell-"  
"Excuse me! I'm not having ANYONE betting on my mental state, thank you!" Vaati announced, standing on a chair in order to make his point. Ganondorf quickly logged off bet365 on his mobile- he was pretty disappointed, there was only a 52/1 chance of his minion going bats next chapter.  
The four ate in relative silence, but their meal was interrupted frequently by Ganondorf's loud explosions of wind at inappropriate moments ("Cookies give me gas!" he announced, after breaking a chair with the sheer force of his emissions) and Sahasrahla chewing rather noisily. Everyone soon found out he wore dentures, as he slipped them out halfway through the meal and gave them to Shadow to hold. The boy loudly rejected the offer at first, but after seeing Vaati's venomous warning look from across the table he scrunched up his face and resigned himself to his fate.  
"You can try 'em on if you want, boy!" the sage exclaimed, seeing Shadow close to tears.  
"TRY THEM ON, SHADOW." Vaati hissed. The boy slipped them into his mouth slowly.

The wind mage allowed himself to relax a little. Things were going (relatively) well.

_  
**Kind of a short chapter this time? Seems like it!**

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: You got a PM! Yaaaay! Just to say, I have developed Dark's role in the story a little more. But I won't say any more about it... I won't torture you ;)

**WraithHeart**: Seems like he is! Alas!  
Well, according to Fi in Skyward Sword, ChuChus do indeed reproduce by splitting themselves in half! That only happens when you cut them though, and if you cut them small enough, THEN they die. In earlier games, it was a one-hit kill, but I imagine they still reproduced using a relatively similar method...kind of like those worms that attach themselves to walls and leave parts of themselves behind that then grow into new worms! Aaaaagh!  
*snatches up unnecessarily huge Morgul blade* Nope, never seen LoTR at all! In my mind, all blades are huge and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!  
*runs at furious HP fanfic writers and attacks them mercilessly* Quit it, ya violent halfwits! Jeez! *gets Confunded*  
...What the hell was I just doing?  
*stares at blade*  
*does not notice you sneaking up behind me, unravelling thread...*

**So, which chapter do you think will feature the first breakdown? xD**


	6. Creepy Old Guy

**A very long chapter here, guys...I need to make my chapter lengths more consistent. Hmm.**  
**I did enjoy writing Old Guy's parts though (see the latter part of the chapter)... I'm considering making him an actual character in the story...just to get the three into even worse situations!**

**Anyway, the reason I'm posting this a bit late is because earlier on, we had a massive thunderstorm and basically, a lightning strike hit the phoneline right outside our house. It was absolutely terrifying- that line is on the pavement outside our window, and it was brought down into the garden! It fell towards the house inches away from the window. Lines all over the freaking garden. DISASTER. I'm being serious!  
**  
**I was actually standing by the window, and do you know, when the lightning hit there was like an entire flash all around the house, all the windows turned white for half a second... and you could actually feel the house shaking. It was pretty scary O.O I almost went blind! And then we were struck AGAIN- I'm not kidding guys- and we were actually saved by an aluminium can hanging just outside the window (don't ask)! Apparently if it wasn't for that can the windows would have been blown in!**  
**  
The person NEXT to us actually got the worst of the lightning (that hit our house...which is a bit weird), it went down their chimney flue (forked lightning maybe?) and blew their entire living room apart. Their kitchen window got smashed as well, and everything got flooded there. It was horrible!**  
**  
But I digress. We have absolutely no Internet in the house, and may not for a while (in fact we're staying down our nan's now), but we've managed to set up a temporary broadband (Ikr! BROADBAND!) connection. Signal is notoriously bad here though, so we're getting Internet for like 30 seconds at a time. It's REALLY FRUSTRATING... and after this I've decided I'll never complain about the usual dialup again. It's a lot more reliable!**  
**Of course, my little sister and my cat are completely traumatised and are now hiding under my bed. **  
***strikes pose* Alas, I will soldier on!**

**Anyway *ahem* for anyone who I watch on dA, I'll try my best to answer my messages but there's no guarantee! ^^; Sorry!**

Chapter Six: Creepy Old Guy

Ganondorf, in a rare intelligent decision, decided to try and advance the story further and enquired about Sahasrahla's motives at this time. He had to have a little help explaining how the three had got there, as he didn't seem to remember anything about the past few days. Then again, Ganondorf didn't have much memory retention anyway- a side effect of low intelligence. The old man was more than willing to help, and the three soon learned that it was as they had suspected. Ghirahim had taken over Hyrule, seemingly furious at his mistreatment at the hands of his three former masters (Sahasrahla wondered out loud who these three were, making Vaati, Shadow and Ganon whistle tunelessly and look at the ceiling). He revealed that Ghirahim was searching for the descendants of seven sages who had sealed a great evil power away countless centuries before.

"Really?" Shadow gasped. "[CENSORED], why does it feel like I've heard that so many times?"  
"Gracious knows." Sahasrahla replied.  
"You mean [CENSORED] knows. Get with the times, raisin face." He earned a slap for that, courtesy of Vaati as Ganon shrieked with laughter.  
"Fine then, [CENSORED] knows. Hm, that actually didn't sound too bad! Rolls off the tounge somewhat. [CENSORED]. [CENSORED]. [CENSORED]! My goodness, that's nice!"

Vaati would have burst into tears then had Sahasrahla not continued cheerfully. "So, anyway... there IS a way to overthrow Ghirahim's evil reign. But it will involve an arduous quest."  
"Just tell us." Vaati hissed, head in his hands as Shadow hi- fived the old man.  
"There are three pendants hidden around Hyrule that house a mystical power-"  
"DON'T TRY THAT [CENSORED] ON US!" Ganondorf roared. "WE'RE NOT THE STINKING HERO!"  
"YES WE ARE!" Shadow roared back. "Please continue!"

"Um, yeah. So, there are these pendants, but the catch is they're hidden in temples from many years ago with numerous evil curses protecting them. When Ghirahim came to power, he immediately followed the predictable behaviour pattern of every Zelda villain ever and put a curse on the temples, to make them almost inaccessible to anyone who searched for the pendants- for he knows that they are his one weakness. If you wish to deafeat him- which I know you would, O honourable hero, then you must set out on your quest with hastle. I will bequeath to you this map- oh damn, where did I freaking PUT IT?!"

Vaati stood up suddenly. "Hey, you settle down and take a rest. You're an old man, your mind is probably a little fuzzy. We'll search!"  
Ganondorf howled in protest. "I'm GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME! I don't go searching some stupid old coot's house for a disgusting old map!"  
"Yes you DO." Vaati gave him the evil eye. Shadow was the quickest to understand- both he and Vaati hoped that they could find some vital secrets hidden here. Ganondorf, however, steadfastly refused to search for anything and punched himself in the face to try and get out of it. He didn't realise, of course, that it's biologically impossibe to knock oneself unconscious by doing so. If I had to explain the neurological basis of why this is a fact, I would probably go insane and bore the pants off everyone reading (Hello? Anyone out there?), so I shall digress.

Ganondorf eventually managed to knock Vaati unconscious- while frantically beating himself up, he grabbed the wind mage and swung him into the wall while attempting to aim for his own face. Shadow watched with tears of laughter in his eyes as Ganondorf, realising that Vaati wasn't going to be doing anything in this state, proceeded to stamp on him ("YOU STUPID LACKEY! NOW *I'M* GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS!")  
Sahasrahla, by this stage, had pottered off to make a cup of tea.  
After half an hour of Ganondorf screaming at Vaati to wake up, Shadow decided to tell him all the advantages of an unconscious person. In seconds, the two were once again desecrating the mage's name for their own entertainment. Many pictures were posted on the Internet. A few examples are included below.

Image 0001: Ganondorf sitting on Vaati's face and farting.  
Image 0002: Vaati getting a wedgie.  
Image 0003: Vaati holding a sign saying "I'M DEAD"  
Image 0004: Vaati holding a sign saying "WILL BUSK FOR VIAGRA"  
Image 0005: Vaati smelling Ganondorf's butt.

It was sheer bad luck that at that moment Vaati happened to wake up. Seeing Ganondorf's backside hovering dangerously close to his nose, his instinct kicked in and he blasted out a dangerously potent mixture of several hideous spells. The room filled with an incredible light and Ganny screamed as his butt cheeks were assaulted with the worst magic he had ever experienced. It was like being run through with the Master Sword, the Four Sword, and the Really Nasty and Rather Quite Sharp Sword at the same time. He fell to the floor, rolling around and sobbing.  
"He's off again!" Shadow announced incredulously. "That's the second time he's burst into tears already!"

It was this moment that Sahasrahla chose to potter back in again, precariously balancing a tea tray with his finest china on it. He stepped neatly over Ganondorf, who was rocking backwards and forwards, and set it down on the table. "Are we ready to resume the discussion?"  
"Discussion? Another one? Isn't there a bit too much dialogue in this story?" Shadow asked.  
"Hey, it makes up the word count." Sahasrahla replied.  
"Yeah, okay. Let's make up the word count- how do you pronounce your name? Is is Sa- ARSE- rah- la?"  
"HEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" Vaati shrieked. "There's supposed to be a CENSORED mark over that! And you've said "arse" already! Your tactics are getting old, author!"  
"Oh shut the [CENSORED] up, Master, it's just a joke!" Shadow wailed.  
"Pretty poor joke, if you ask me!"  
"If you don't have anything nice to say, Master, don't [CENSORED] say it at all!"

By this time Ganondorf had been completely forgotten. Sahasrahla sipped his tea delicately and watched as Vaati and Shadow glared across the table, sizing eachother up should a fight erupt. The greatest evil threat the world had ever seen, however, was by now bouncing around on his head in sheer pain. He came very close to upsetting the coffee table (don't worry, I'm not going to make any naff jokes about the table bursting into tears. *zips mouth*).

Shadow took a break from his scowling at Vaati to seize the pot of tea and tip it over Ganon's head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! SHADOW LINK! YOU HOLY [CENSORED] OF [CENSORED]S!"

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Vaati yelled as Ganondorf howled.  
"I THOUGHT IT WOULD SHUT HIM UP!" Shadow yelled back as Ganondorf screamed.  
"WHY DON'T WE JUST GET ON WITH THE STORY?! THIS IS GETTING ABSOLUTELY STUPID!" Sahasrahla bellowed as Ganondorf roared.

"THANK YOU!" the remaining readers cried.

To cut a stupidly long (already) chapter short, Ganondorf could not be persuaded to move through the door at all. Not even the promise of an everlasting reign over Hyrule and a permanent supply of mutton chops was enough to budge him. He sat in the corner of the room with his ugly face twisted into an even uglier scowl.

Shadow decided to step outside for some fresh air.  
He enjoyed going for wanders, not that he had ever really had the opportunity before. He had only ever had a chance to explore the Fire Temple he had been trapped in for most of his life, and even then it had still been his responsibility to look after the none- too- intelligent Hinoxes. But now, here was his chance for a bit of freedom while his masters were occupied!

He soon chanced upon a small cave. At first he walked past it, looking for slightly better structures- he refused to admit to himself that he was looking for Telma's Bar from the original. He grinned to himself as he remembered the lady's worryingly low-cut dresses:

"HAALLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTT, BOY!"

Shadow stopped dead. "Who the hell?!"

"IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOONE!"

Shadow whirled round. The voice seemed to be coming from nowhere. "Go WHERE alone?! Who's speaking?!"

"I'M SPEAKING!"

"Who's speaking?!"

"ME!"

"Where the hell are you?!"

"IN THE CAVE, YOU CRETINOUS LUMP OF- I MEAN, IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!"

The boy, curiosity getting the better of him, turned and marched back towards the cave. Nobody, but nobody, spoke to the great Shadow Link like that! He was pleased to note that the cave was extremely dark. Being effectively a shadow, he did not usually fare well in the light, so he preferred shady, manky places. The air was cool and refreshing on his skin, and he took a moment to breathe in the putrid cave air. Now this was his territory!  
It was then that he noticed the old man.  
At first he had looked like just another shadow, or another rock jutting out from the contours of the cave. But as Shadow's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out the outline of a human, apparently swathed in robes and with an extremely long beard.

"Whaddya want?!" he demanded, striding forward confidently.

"You are Link, right?" the old man said, eyeing him carefully. "In this darkness... I can see the tunic... you are the boy who is destined to defeat all evils?"

"Whaa... uh, hell, YEAH!" Shadow burst out. "Yeah, I'm the [CENSORED] Hero all right! I'm gonna whup the [CENSORED] out of every [CENSORED] [CENSORED] evil little [CENSORED] in the [CENSORED] WORLD!"  
_Hey_, he thought, _I'm really getting into this!_

"Well then boy, you'll need all the help you can get! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOONE!"

"You've said that alre-"

"But it IIISSSSSSSSSS! And I have many wares I can give you, to aid you on your quest! Cast your eye, my boy, over my fine selection of goods!"

Shadow squinted in the darkness. He could see the items the old man was offering him- there was a large selection to choose from, with several types of sword, bow and arrows, hookshots, and other weapons from the Zelda series. There were also other non- weapon items such as the Pendants from ALttP- spherical shapes attatched to a string that gave the wearer the power associated with them, as well as other intriguing artefacts. Being so used to darkness, Shadow had very good night vision. He noted that it all looked very high- quality, and several of the items seemed to light up the cave with their pristine shine.

_Okay_, he thought, _looks promising!_

"I'll take... the sword, the Pendant of Power, and... what the [CENSORED]! Is that an actual Triforce shard?!"

"Indeed it is!" Old Man announced, handing the items over. "And do you know what, boy, because I like you so much I'm going to let you have them all for free! Oh, and would you like another pendant to go with the Pendant of Power? Take Courage or Wisdom!"

"I'll have Courage!" Shadow announced. "[CENSORED], what a haul!" His arms were now full with the items- he couldn't wait to show them to his two masters. "Why the [CENSORED] are they all free? Is there a catch?"

"Ah..." Old Man sighed. "Not many people buy my items. Some fools believe I'm not a reputable vendor."

"Well, [CENSORED] to them! They're missing out!" Shadow exclaimed, turning and walking back towards the entrance of the cave. "Thanks a million, ya old codger!"

He had barely stepped out into sunlight when-  
"**_SHADOW LINK!_**"  
Shadow dropped the items in shock as he heard Vaati's voice. By the sounds of it, the mage wasn't happy.  
And Vaati wasn't. Ganondorf was still in Sahasrahla's house refusing to move, his minion had completely disappeared, and he was exhausted already after such a long chapter.

"You gotta look at this!" Shadow shrieked. "I got everything we'll ever need!"  
Vaati strode over, and examined the items carefully. He felt his heart quicken as he picked the items from Shadow's grasp and held them gently, too afraid to handle them too roughly in case they turned out to be a mirage, and disappeared into nothing. He suddenly realised that his bad mood was completely gone.

"How...did you get these? For Pete's sake, Shadow... how did you get a Triforce shard?!"

Shadow motioned towards the cave. "Old guy in there. Kept sayin' it was dangerous to go alone an' then gave me a [CENSORED]load of items free."

Vaati looked towards the cave, but it was too dark to see further than a few metres. He made a mental note to go and see what other treasures it held someday. "We'd better go and show these to Ganondorf. Shadow, put the Pendant around your neck for safekeeping." he said. Shadow did so, and the mage took the other pendant and put it around his in turn.  
The two villains were standing in the shadow of the cave and a large tree, and it was refreshingly cool in the shade. Nevertheless, they stepped out into the sunlight and made their way back towards the house.

-SCENE BREAK-  
Five minutes later

"SHADOW, VAATI, YOU TWO ARE SO STUPID!" Ganondorf roared.

For the first time, Vaati was just as confused as Shadow. He looked over at his minion, who was staring at the sword in quite a perplexed manner. It was then that he noticed the sword was...well, quite garish. It certainly didn't look like a serious piece of equipment. How could he not have noticed that before?

"But Master, first, we got a swo-" Shadow was stopped in mid- sentence. He had swung the blade viciously, in order to demonstrate its' supposedly lethal properties, and instead of cutting a clean slice through the air it had released-

Ganon's eyes brightened. "BUBBLES!"  
His fury was quickly forgotten as he dived towards the falling spheres, rolling about in ecstacy and giggling maniacally. He blew a bubble towards Vaati's face and took great delight in popping it in his eye ("Aaargh! Master!"). He stuck his tounge out and swallowed several tons of bubbles. He skipped in the bubbles. He twirled in the bubbles. He-  
"AAAARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GERRITOFFGERRITOFFGERRITOFF!"

"Oh no, Master. A bubble in your hair. I wonder how we'll ever get it out." Vaati droned, his good mood completely evaporated. He looked at the floor in despair, and suddenly remembered the pendant around his neck. He turned it towards him and read the writing on it.

" 'True'? Does that make sense?" he wondered aloud. There was a rather unexpected "HRRRG!" from Shadow, who was trying with all his might to yank his pendant off. He flung himself to his knees and pulled with all his strength, but it wasn't budging.

"Help me!" he gasped. "I can't wear this! I just CAN'T!"

"Shadow, what does your pendant say?"

"L-l-l-"

"Spit it out!"

"LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!"

By this time Ganondorf had managed to pop the bubble in his hair, and was now furiously stamping any other bubbles the so- called sword dared to emit.

He snatched it from Shadow and went to smash it against a wall, only to emit a howl of rage when more bubbles flew out as a result of the motion. They floated in front of his eyes in an incredibly annoying manner, seemingly taunting him with their free, bouncy patterns. How dare they. How DARE THEY!

He stepped back and proceeded to ram the wall with his head.

Sahasrahla left the room quietly. Apparently he had been watching the entire scenario unfold, sipping his tea, and had not said a word. He had never been the most helpful of Zelda characters anyway. On the way out, however, he spotted something.

"Do you mind if I just take this? It must be a leftover." he said to Vaati, who was standing in a horrified silence after realising that he and Shadow were now permanently bound by a "True Love" split necklace. The mage, not really acknowledging his voice, simply nodded.  
Sahasrahla came in five minutes later, carrying three pieces of cake on fine china and new cups of tea.

"It seems as though you're all a bit upset. I'm sure some tea and cake would calm you down!" he said cheerfully. The three took their seats at the table in abject misery, although at the backs of their minds they couldn't help wondering how the sage didn't burst through the constant consumption of tea. His liver wouldn't thank him later.

Shadow looked down at his plate. Why did that piece of cake look somewhat famili-  
His shoulders slumped.

"I assume that's the Triforce?" Vaati hissed to him. He did not reply, but put his head on the table and whimpered.

"Not feeling well?" Sahasrahla asked sympathetically. "I know... it IS a bit stale, isn't it...?"

-  
**...It looked a lot shorter when I was writing it! ^^;**

**WraithHeart**: Yup, I reckon Ghirahim secretly wants to be a lady. Especially as he's borderline female anyway... he and Vaati, of course. I saw a picture on deviantART, featuring Vaati and Ghira, saying "There's only room for one twinkletoes in this series!" Indeed there is, chaps xD  
...That sounded a lot dirtier in pure text. xD I dread to think what ideas I just gave you!  
And yeah, worms actually do that! Freaky things...  
YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH! Why aren't flamethrowers invented yet in the Zelda universe?! Link would be seriously badass with a flamethrower AND a huge jetpack.  
*blink* Woahh... death threats through poetry?! That touched my soul...  
hey, where the heck has my soul gone?!

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: You got a PM! Yay! I do hope I wrote Old Guy to your satisfaction, of course it is your decision whether you want him to become a fully- fledged character or not, but either way the items he gave Shadow today may well come in handy!... just not in the way they expected ^^

**I will see you next we- *broadband cuts out***


	7. A Temple!

Chapter Seven: A Temple!

(A/N: All author's notes at the bottom of the chapter since this site is being stupid and not letting me write at the top. *glares*)

Vaati decided to skip the rest of the meal and, after politely finishing the cake (which would later give him severe and permanent food poisoning, which the author also thinks she has after eating a very dodgy spag bol) he pushed his plate away.

"I think I'm going to go out and get some fresh air." he said to Sahasrahla, already feeling a bit queasy and deciding that the outside would be best for him.

The old man looked disappointed, but motioned for him to leave anyway. Shadow looked particularly distraught, having completely failed to eat his cake due to realising after the first bite that it was going to do him no good. He had been hoping to sneak the remains of his meal onto Vaati's plate. Even Ganondorf was looking doubtful.

He went for a stroll in Sahasrahla's garden, ignoring the twee garden-gnome statues that wolf-whistled at him whenever he passed. As usual, he felt an idea forming in his quick brain.

If he could just get Bob to transport them to whatever temples they needed to go to, instead of teleportation which would require some foreign thing called "effort on Ganondorf's part", things would be made a lot easier. He soon felt the first pangs of concern that things weren't going to go right, however, when he realised the ChuChu was no longer tethered to his post.  
He wandered around the small house, calling. "Bob? Bob? Oh, come on! BOB!"  
The second pangs of concern came when he heard chomping noises coming from behind a bush.  
The third, and final, pangs of concern hit his mind when he looked behind the bush and saw the remains of Bob- e.g, an eye- hanging out of the mouth of another ChuChu.

"OH MY GODDESSES!" he screamed. "How on earth did that happen?! This is getting absoutely ridiculous!" Without giving a jot of thought to his own safety, he hurtled over to the ChuChu and attempted to pull the long- deceased Bob out of its' mouth. It was proving harder than expected, though, as this ChuChu seemed to be a rather ugly mutation and had a set of long, curved teeth. Vaati almost lost his entire arm several times, and by the time Shadow Link managed to whet up a jot of interest in his master's wellbeing and wandered around the back, the mage's whole head was stuck in the creature's mouth.

Shadow stopped and stared. Then he chuckled.  
The chuckle developed into a snort.  
The snort developed into a laugh.  
The laugh developed into breathless gasps.  
The gasps developed into a full- on, whooping, howling fit of mirth.

"WAAH HA HA [CENSORED] HAAAAAA! MASTER, YOU LOOK SO STUPID! LOOK AT YOURSELF!"  
"I'm finding it rather hard to look when my entire HEAD is being digested!" came the muffled reply. Shadow ran round the back of the ChuChu and, to his delight, saw Vaati's face glaring back at him through the creature's transparent form. He waved. Vaati did not wave back, for some reason.  
"Well? Don't just stand there! At least help me!" Vaati yelled.  
"Naaah, it's really funny! I mean, look at this! It's a classic!"  
Vaati kicked out at the ChuChu, and the two had a rather unsightly grapple on the floor. Neither was willing to give in, but the disgusting glob of goo got the upper hand somewhat by letting go of Vaati's head. As the mage lay exhausted on the floor, it proceeded to jump up and down on him.  
Now, ChuChus may look light, seeing as they're just made out of jelly, but this is an incredibly deceptive appearance. Vaati's entire body was squashed several times over as he was pounded into the flowers.  
SLURP. _THUMP_. SLURP. _THUMP_. SLURP. _THUMP_.

This noise heralded the arrival of Ganondorf, who ambled round the corner sipping a cup of Sahasrahla's tea.  
"How- OUCH!- did- YOW!- you manage to- **GAH!**- get him out here?" Vaati whimpered in between being crushed slowly to death.  
"I just went back to the house and told him you were dying. I've never seen someone so enthusiastic." Shadow replied.  
"Tell Ganondorf that if I die, he won't be able to get his kingdom back!"

Vaati was soon rescued after that after Ganondorf hurriedly blasted the ChuChu back into the DNA it came from. Vaati was only just quick enough to put up a protective shield around himself, otherwise he too would have been vapourised into a smudge on the floor. Sahasrahla, who had been watching, couldn't help but be highly impressed at his dexterity. If this purple man was somehow Navi, he had to admit "she" had greatly improved since Ocarina of

Time. Even though he had been dead by then, of course.  
_Um, I might be causing a time paradox by thinking about that,_ he thought.  
"Congratulations!" he announced. "You've definitely proved yourselves worthy of the quest I'm setting you off on!"  
"What, was that a test?" groaned Vaati from the floor.  
"Um... yes, yes, of course it was! And you passed, kind of!"  
Ganondorf bowed deeply. "Of course I did. Me and my super duper awesomeness know no boundaries."  
"You can just say "bounds", Master." Vaati whispered.  
"SHUT UP, MINION! HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HOW TO SPEAK! Look, even the ChuChu spat you out because it thought you were too stupid to eat!"  
"You vapourised it, Master."  
"No I didn't. It self-destructed because it couldn't stand eating something as stupid as you."  
Vaati closed his eyes and counted to 10. "Of course, Master. Sorry for ever doubting it."

The sage shuffled towards them, holding out a map of Hyrule. It was the obligatory "many years old" map, crinkled and worn at the edges with a tea- brown colouring. As it was "many years old", it also fell into the category of "many years out of date". However, the three would not notice this just yet as Shadow accepted it on behalf of the group.  
"Hey!" Ganondorf yelled. He snatched it off the boy and cradled it to his chest. "I'M the super awesome guy here! I should get the map!"  
"But I'm LINK!" Shadow yelled. "C'mon, this is MY moment!"  
"You're not Link, you're-"  
"I'M LIIIIINNNNNKKKKKK!"  
"He's LINK, Master!" Vaati hissed. "Remember?"  
"I don't ever remember Shadow turning into Link! I can remember when my face turned into a bum though! That was funny... hee hee."  
"Your... face...?" Sahasrahla began. He was shushed by Vaati who advised him not to ask about their previous adventures.

After the unfortunate demise of Bob, they were forced to set out on foot until they found a more suitable means of transport.  
Vaati hated walking with Ganondorf. Not only did he lag behind deliberately and get lost walking in a straight line, he also found it impossible to read a map. He was still convinced that map ratio= real ratio, therefore Hyrule Field was 10 cm.  
Shadow was okay to walk with- or at least less irritating- but he did have a habit of singing old rock songs to "keep up morale". Ganondorf would sometimes join in, desperately pretending to know the words, and Vaati would pace along sullenly and not listen. Through Zen- like techniques, he had learnt to shut the two out.

For the most part.

"WAAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTTT!" Ganondorf screamed suddenly. Shadow came to an immediate stop, while Vaati took a while longer to show that he wasn't going to stoop to the boy's ridiculously obedient level. The resentment between the two was still at an all- time high.  
"What's the matter, Master?" Shadow asked. "I'm suckin' up to YOU now since Vaati's such a [CENSORED]."  
"Oh, get it over with." Vaati muttered. "I can't even remember what we argued about-"  
"SHUT UP, PURPLE! THIS IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! WE FORGOT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND!" Ganny wailed.  
"What the [CENSORED]?" This from Shadow, obviously.  
"My imaginary friend-"  
"Do you mean your ONLY friend?" Vaati asked innocently.

As expected, Ganondorf didn't get the subtlety. "Yes, he's probably my only friend. Since everyone else just poos themselves at the sight of Ganondorf the Super Awesome! Which is me, of course."  
"Wow. They've graduated from wetting themselves, then?" *Ah, sarcasm.* Vaati allowed himself a slight smile.  
"What?!" Ganondorf laughed. "No, no, weeing themselves! When you go to the toilet, Vaati, you don't wet! You wee! Like you poo as well! So it's weeing and pooing yourself!"  
There was a silence, until an idea occurred to the King of Evil.  
"Vaati..." he whispered. "DO you go to the toilet?"  
"Yes, Master." came the weary reply.  
"Oh, that's okay. I thought it was just me." Ganondorf mused. "I thought I was weeing myself at my own brilliance... I haven't looked in a mirror for two months in case I pee my pants at how awesome I am."  
Vaati wanted to cry. He could completely believe that.

Since Ganondorf had been completely distracted from his imaginary friend, they followed the map across Hyrule Field and into the Kokiri Forest. It was midday by this time, but the sun was cold and blurred in the autumnal sky.  
Hyrule hadn't changed much in seven years in terms of layout. There had been no drastic rearrangement of important features, and any landmarks still stood proudly where they had before. The only truly noticeable difference was that under Lord Ghirahim's rule, flowers and fauna were blooming everywhere. The kingdom had erupted in a mass of colours, with curling creepers wrapping around trees and beautiful petals, shed from sweet- smelling plants, lining the edges of bridges and creating a confetti of bright, strong colour unseen in autumn.

None of these plants were particularly dangerous either. Some of them were a little... overfamiliar, as Shadow found to his great discomfort. Vaati couldn't help laughing at his humiliation, and in return Shadow magically summoned a sword and cut the ropes of the bridge they were standing on. It was only by clinging on for dear life did Vaati not plummet to his death on the floor of the ravine below. Needless to say, this did not improve their relationship.  
Of course, Ganondorf found everything utterly confusing. This was nothing like the kingdom he had visualised!- but then again, he hadn't imagined anyone taking charge of Hyrule except himself. He found it impossible to accept that Ghirahim was a little more camp than he was, and thus would rather prefer his domain to be a little prettier than just a mindless mass of destruction. Several times Shadow had to stop him throttling the fairies that were flying around.  
"FAIRIES?! FAIRIES?! This guy isn't a villain! He's an IDIOT!" Ganondorf roared.

Vaati wisely decided not to respond to this previous comment.

"Okay, the temple should be somewhere around here!" Shadow announced, snatching the map off Vaati rudely. The mage found he had developed an eye tic only two lines into this chapter.  
"No it shouldn't! Shadow, you're so thick." Ganondorf huffed.  
"Oh! I apologise, Master! Why'd ya think that?"  
"Because-" Ganondorf pointed at the paper- "there's a big red X on this map. And I don't see a big red X anywhere here!"  
"Oh no, Master!" smarmed Shadow. "The X doesn't always mean there HAS to be an X."  
"Wow." Vaati said snidely. "How long did it take you to work THAT out?"  
"About the same [CENSORED] amount of time it took you to [CENSORED] work out that you're a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] piggin' [CENSORED]!"  
"Oh, grow up." the mage hissed.

The three walked on in an even colder silence. Vaati was furious that Shadow was sucking up to Ganondorf just to get on his nerves, Shadow was furious that Vaati was being mean to him, and Ganondorf was completely and utterly unaware of the world as usual. This was why he was last to notice the temple, since he walked into the doors. They almost rattled off their hinges as he pounded them, roaring about how "THIS IS AN UTTER DISGRACE!

HOW DARE YOU NOT BOW BEFORE ME?! I AM GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME, AND YOU WILL YIELD TO MY MIGHT!"

Vaati had been first to notice said temple, of course. It had blended in quite well with the fauna, taking on the image of a particularly large plant that seemed to tower with an artificial shine above the others. The doors set into the nearest petal, however, had given the game away once they had got a little closer, having walked a well- trodden path that ended abruptly a couple of metres before the foot of the temple as if the travellers had been afraid to go any further.

They had thin glass panels sliding up and down the sides, and through them one could see a worryingly dark staircase leading down to an unseen room. It was the typical Zelda temple that may have struck fear into the heart of a more wussy player 20 years ago, but didn't now and was a result of rather lazy design teams. Of course, the author isn't lazy in her descriptive prose. Not at all. And she isn't sarcastic either.

"How do you OPEN these?" Shadow muttered, trying to peer through the glass. He wondered whether there would be a lock inside.  
"Like THIS!" Ganondorf announced. "Vaati, stand back, you stupid minion!"  
Vaati stood back obediently, seething. Ganon took a couple of steps back and narrowed his focus to the centre of the two doors. Hunching his shoulders, he broke into a run.  
Of course, anybody who's read Asking For Disaster will no doubt know what happens next. Ganon hit the doors full- on, the force of his thick skull against the wood causing an almighty crash to echo around the woods and scare away several rare species.  
But- the doors didn't break.

"Oh." This from Vaati.

Shadow immediately rounded on him. "Whaddya mean "oh"? Come on, smart[CENSORED], think of some answers! You just killed Ganondorf!" he yelled, gesturing to his unconscious master.

"Well, it's what you would expect!" Vaati snapped. "It's dangerous to run into iron doors!"

Old Man floated unbidden into Shadow's mind. "IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"Alright, alright, shut up." he snapped. "I get it, I'm not even alone!"  
Looking at Ganondorf coming around at the foot of the temple, and Vaati staring at him as if he was a mental case, he sometimes wished he was.

Vaati looked down at his pendant. Surely...surely not?

"Shadow, connect your pendant to mine?" he asked.

Shadow backed away incredibly quickly. "What the hell?! Is this becoming a VaatixShadow fic already? I thought the author was into-"

Vaati found himself, without warning, rugby-tackling Shadow to the floor and slapping duct tape over his mouth. It seemed the author didn't want that to be revealed.

"Just do it!" he hissed. Shadow reluctantly pressed his pendant against Vaati's, connecting the two.

At the same moment, there was a creak that began quietly, but soon amplified into a painful, high- pitched squeal that caused the plants nearby to droop.

The doors of the temple, once firmly shut to the world and even the might of Ganondorf, began to open. Their bottoms scraped along the floor and created low-hanging dust clouds as they finally slammed shut against the walls, wide open and revealing the staircase completely.  
"Are you serious?" Shadow gaped. "Did they SERIOUSLY just open because of..."  
"... It turns out the old guy's items were of some use after all." Vaati snorted. "This is probably going to be an isolated incident, though."  
"Yeah, yeah, quit complaining!" Shadow yelled. "Let's just [CENSORED] pick up Ganondorf and get outta here!"  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time." came the reply as Vaati slung his porky master over his shoulder.  
"The first time?! The first time?! I didn't even say anything for "the first time"! Get a grip, will ya?!"  
"You get a grip! You're so moody in this story!"  
"Oh, shut up, you think I'M moody..."  
The conversation continued in this vein as they descended the steps, their silhouettes being swallowed by the darkness as, unbeknownst to them, the doors slowly swung shut again.

-  
**Oh my god... the toilet humour... I'm so sorry... xD**  
**For those of you who love Bob, no worries! He will return... maybe in a different guise or just as he is! The reason why I'm being all mysterious is because I haven't decided yet ^w^  
Oh, and you know last chapter I was talking about that lightning strike that hit my neighbour's house? Well it turns out that house is now going to be condemned (i.e, destroyed) as well as the one next to it! (thankfully not ours... even though, as I said, OURS IS THE ONE THAT WAS HIT O.O so I don't know how that happened...) Scary!**

**Anyways!**

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: You got a PM! And I hope you're enjoying your course, when I go back to school tomorrow I will be thinking of you ;3

**WraithHeart**: Pfft, my sister is a very hard- to- persuade person. *mutters* She's a stubborn little [CENSORED] if I ever saw one.  
You live in Iceland, right? (I saw it on your profile, is all). I've always wanted to go there and see what it's like out there. I imagine there's snow... *makes gesture to resemble snow* and ice *makes gesture to resemble ice* and it's cold out there! *shivers dramatically* But Iceland still looks beautiful... I don't mind the cold so much anyway!  
Yeah, don't worry, the neighbours are fine now, they've found another place they can stay for a while and they're actually quite cheerful because they were planning to move out anyway~  
xD Ikr, Vaati's sooo brave!  
And- NOOOO I'M NOT A VAMPIRE, I'M- *narrowly avoids stake*  
*puts on purple hat* I'M NAVI'S ALTER EGO! THAT'S WHY I'M A GLOWING BALL OF LIGHT! Right? RIGHT?  
...HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!


	8. SodaStream?

**The beginning of the end for science here, guys... xD**  
**(To tell the truth, I was totally and utterly out of ideas. I do apologise).**  
**Anyway, kind of a short chapter, enjoy anyway! :D**

Chapter Eight: SodaStreams?

"[CENSORED]!"  
Shadow's exclamation echoed uncomfortably around the walls of the temple. Vaati cringed, but his awkwardness soon turned to despair as Ganondorf woke up.  
"Huh?" he gasped, looking frantically around him. He scrambled off Shadow's shoulders and twirled around in a panic. "But we were just in the place with all the green stuff! Hee hee... green stuff. Giant snot. Vaati, do you pick your nose?"  
"No."  
"Oh, I do. Watch this!" Ganon extended a long finger and rammed it in his ear. Vaati was just about to point out that this wasn't exactly his nose when, to his utmost horror, his master's finger poked out through his left nostril.  
"WOAH!" Shadow gasped. "That. Is. So. [CENSORED]. AWESOME!"  
"Master, that is completely unhygienic and utterly irrelevant to the story! Take that finger out NOW!" Vaati yelled. His voice echoed around the main room, and it was only on the fifth echo of "NOW!" that Ganon finally, and reluctantly, withdrew his digit. It came out of his ear with a disturbing slop.

After that, the three decided to split up and explore the temple. There were three doors leading from the main room- however, one was locked with a tight- looking keychain. There was a door at the left of the room, and there was another one on a higher ledge that seemed to be upside down. The first and locked door was marked with the words "Warning: Low Intelligence Only", the door on the left was marked with "Warning: Intermediate Intelligence Only" and the top door was marked with, predictably, "Warning: High Intelligence Only".

You can guess who went where. Ganondorf barged Vaati out of the way and entered the "High Intelligence Only" door (needing a little help to realise he had to hookshot up there and then walk through it on his hands). Shadow barged Vaati out of the way and sat outside the "Low Intelligence Only" door since he couldn't be bothered to do any more exploring.  
Vaati hissed and stalked through the "Intermediate Intelligence Only" door.

**Vaati**

The first thing Vaati noticed when he walked through the door was the eerie sound of a key being turned in a lock behind him. Fearing the worst, he turned and ran back to the door, rattling it frantically. It groaned against its frame, protesting at every movement. Someone had locked it from the outside... but who could it have been? Ganon was probably busy working out how to get through his room (yup, good luck to him) and Shadow didn't have any keys. Had someone followed them?

His thoughts were distracted by a sound behind him. He turned back to the room and cast his eyes over it cautiously. He was standing on a small platform, surrounded by bubbling lava. Halfway across the room, however, the lava petered out and turned to water. A rolling spike was making its way across the room towards him, and it was this that was making a strange clanking noise as some internal mechanism got to work.  
The walls were smooth, but they had the traditional Zelda- style vines winding up them. Using the wall runs he had learnt from watching E3 trailers of Skyward Sword, he leapt off the platform and just managed to grab a foothold. He flung himself at the vines and ripped several from the walls in his frantic attempt to get a good handhold.  
He swung wildly, faceplanting the wall several times.  
"My canines!"  
"My molars!"  
"My wisdom teeth!- Hey, I paid the dentist to remove that one!"

He brought his legs up and whimpered as the spikes clanked their way towards the spot he had been standing seconds before, right below him. He felt his fingers slipping... would he be able to hold on-

"Hello! It's ME!"  
"OH HOLY [CENSORED]!"

Vaati jumped, letting go of the vines and plummeting towards the spikes. He didn't have time to scream before he bounced off them with a wail of pain.

The author watched disdainfully. "Go back through that sentence, Vaati. You BOUNCED."

"Yes, I know, and it HURT! Wait... I bounced?"  
He found himself treading water, completely painlessly.  
"OH NOOOOO! I LANDED IN THE LAVA! I'M DEAD! I'M PUSHING UP DAISIES! I'VE COPPED IT! I'M BELLY- UP!" He flopped onto his back. "Huh...? Hang on. What the heck?"  
"Well, I'm outta here." the author sighed disdainfully. "I'm supposed to be dead, anyway... I was hacked to pieces by Onox at the end of the first story." With that, she swept out of the room and walked straight through the locked door. Vaati watched her go with a puzzled expression, then looked down at himself. He took a while to recover from the shock (and slight disappointment) of not being dead, and then decided to analyse his current situation.

"Oh, GREAT. I'm all wet. And just as... Hey, what on earth is that?"

He could just see a machine underwater, bubbling busily. A long cylindrical tube extended upwards from it and there were several of these strange contraptions lining the walls. Deciding to take a look, he dived underwater neatly and swam towards them.

"What the _HELL_?! It's a SodaStream! So..." he took a while to muse, "this entire room, seemingly filled with dangers, is actually completely harmless! It's quite obvious now that the lava is merely carbonated water with liberal amounts of food dye added, but this amount was not able to cover the entire surface area of the water! I thought the laws of physics were being disobeyed somewhat when I first witnessed how the supposed lava suddenly turned to water halfway across the room! But I quite like SodaStreams... I used to have one, they were perfect for turning orange squash into a lovely little Fanta- style pick me up, especially as I'm far too high- end to actually drink that hideous concoction right from the bottle. What teenagers today see in it, I have no idea. I heard SodaStreams even made tea fizzy... that must have been in-"

Of course, while monologuing to himself, he had completely failed to mention that he was still underwater. He took a furtive glance around.  
"Oh [CENSORED]!" ... *glub glub glub*

(A/N: Science fail, guys. Science fail. That probably wouldn't work in real life xD Though if anyone does achieve it, send me a link or something! xD. )

**Ganondorf**

Ganondorf was in a very difficult situation.  
The room seemed to be upside down, and had been upside down for quite a while. He could see something marked "SWITCH TO REVERSE ROOM ORIENTATION" on the roof, but apart from that there was nothing. A couple of blocks led up to the switch in the pattern of stairs, save for one that seemed to be a little out of place. There was a large flashing square saying "PUT EXTERNAL PRESSURE ON THE BLOCK TO MEET PATTERN REQUIREMENTS AND IMPROVE ACCESSIBILITY" just in front of the block.

He had absolutely no idea what to do.

He sat down in the middle of the room and considered. He soon got bored of this, however, having completely forgotten what he was supposed to be considering. He got up and paced around boredly, deciding to walk into the walls.  
"Perhaps walking into the walls will hit that thing in my skull and make it more cleverer!" he announced to himself, and went to hit his head against the bricks. On his way there, however, the top of his head hit one of the aforementioned blocks.  
"OW! MY... um... TOP OF THE BODY THING!" he howled. "HOW DARE YOU, BLOCK! How DARE you be so nasty to Ganondorf the Super... I can't remember what I called myself... Anyway, PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH!"  
He summoned up all his valuable magic, determined to destroy this item that had offended him so. With an enormous blast, he shattered it into a thousand pieces that scattered all over the floor. They skittered close to his feet, causing him to jump.  
"Aha! I see you now!" he bellowed, pointing at the pieces. "Trying to SPEAR me! Well, I'll just move away from you then!" He took a couple of steps backwards. "So THERE!"

Unfortunately, this block had been the third- to- bottom one and was a supporting structure for the rest of the blocks. With an almighty sway, the structure began to topple. Ganon noticed this, and looked up to see it swinging ominously from side to side as its equilibrium became more unstable by the second.  
He smirked.  
"Yes, yes! Feel free to do a dance for me, O strangely square and bald maiden!" he announced pompously. "I shall just stand here and watch you and comment on how stupid you are! Your dance is rubbi-"

A CRASSSSSHHHHHHHH shook the building as the entire load of blocks collapsed on top of him.

**Shadow Link**

Shadow scratched his backside as he wondered how long the other two would be.

"HOLY HOWLIN' [CENSORED]!"  
He did a combat roll out of the way as Vaati was hurled by a giant Wallmaster hand into the wall. He bounced off it and onto the floor rather painfully.

"Master, what's the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] deal just turnin' up like that?!"  
Vaati raised his head off the floor, glaring. "Well, it wasn't exactly any fault of my own."  
"Why, what [CENSORED] happened?"  
"Well, it seemed that I drowned while reminscing to myself about the good old days. I must still be alive, however, because that Wallmaster just rescued me!"  
"Oh." Shadow's shoulders drooped. "So you mean I can't light my fart through your ghost."  
"NO."

"Well, well, well." The author's voice resounded throughout the temple. "Seems like the key wasn't in Vaati's room! That means it's up to Ganny to get it. But only one person can be allowed in that room at a time, so you can't go and help! What are you going to do?"  
"Wait for Ganny to sort it out himself. He will eventually, right?" Shadow asked hopefully.  
"He's unconscious."

There was an awkward silence. Shadow, as usual, just shrugged and turned back to staring at the locked door wistfully. Vaati didn't even have to look at him to realise that he would have to sort it out himself.  
The mage got up and walked in a circle, going over the usual formula of Zelda dungeons. Go in dungeon, get item, beat boss- wait? Where was the item? Surely it couldn't be behind the locked door? Wouldn't that be a bit TOO unlucky?

To cut a long story short (although, to be fair, this chapter does seem a little shorter than the rest), Vaati ventured back into the room in which he had had the terrifying SodaStream experience and retrieved a pickaxe, which was inexplicably floating in mid- air right in front of the door. He wondered how he could have ever missed it.. he didn't notice the author chuckling awkwardly and muttering "I forgot the plot device..." before slipping away into the shadows.

He marched out like a hero, swinging it in front of him. Shadow sprinted up ("Hot damn, master, look at the blade on that!") Of course, the boy had rampant disregard for his own personal safety and ended up getting half his hair chopped off.  
"Hey, it looks like a Mohican!" he announced, summoning a mirror.  
"No, it looks like male pattern baldness." Vaati replied from outside Ganondorf's room. "Idiot."  
Shadow hissed something about self- esteem and continued admiring himself.

"Master Ganondorf!" Vaati shouted. He could just see his master's toes poking out from beneath a pile of rubble. "Oi! Get up! There's a time and a place to be sleeping, you know!"  
The sound of Vaati's voice awakened a relatively large part of Ganon's small brain. It was the part that dealt with feeling superior, feeling like the last intellectual in the world, feeling as if he was the last saviour of what he believed in amongst a whirling tide of fools and purple- skinned ex-Picori that dared to even look him in the eye.

It was the part of his brain that reminded him that-  
"VAATI! YOU'RE STUPID!" the blocks screamed.  
"Oh good, you're awake." Vaati replied, as the legs attatched to the toes started kicking wildly. "Don't do that, Master, you're under a pile of-"  
"YOUR POO!"  
"No, a pile of-"  
"MY OWN BRAIN!"  
"A. Pile. Of-"  
"SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF! Go, slave! Pull me up!"  
"I can't come in the room!"  
"You can if you really want to..."  
"Stop acting like a freaking psychologist and just stay there!"

-  
**Readers: m OMG. Wtf author!?**  
**I apologise w Next chapter will be better...it'll be a TOTAL and UTTER chemistry massacre! Yaaaay!**

**WraithHeart**: Ghana! OMG wow! O.O We studied Ghana in primary school...see, I knew that knowledge would come in handy *sigh* I've forgotten it all now... I've slept since then xD  
I can see what you mean though, even when it's hot over here in freezing cold Britain I find myself wishing for snow. Can't imagine what it would be like in a place where it's hot all the time. I think you'd be quite fortunate to have a snowstorm though ;D If I ever become an evil sorceress through some highly illegal way or another, I'll remember to send a couple of flurries your way ;3  
Wah ha haaa! Okay then, that your final bet? 'Cuz lemme tell you a secret... he seems pretty close to snapping already, you may be right on the money! ;) Or maybe he's a calmer butt monkey than Ghirahim and will let the nice men in white coats experiment to their heart's content... maybe xD  
Shadow Link: Yandere!? I can be a [CENSORED] Yandere if I want to!  
Me: What, about Vio?  
Shadow: *vomits*  
Me: The fangirls love you, Shadow...  
Crazy Yandere fangirl: WHERE!? WHERE'S MY SHADOW!? LEMME AT HIM!  
Shadow: He's not here!  
*beat*  
Oh [CENSORED].  
Wait wait wait! Farming implements now!? Well, I'LL show you a farming implement!  
*jumps in forklift truck* Without a soul, I'M RUTHLESS D  
My soul: [CENSORED], that was a stupid disguise. Go on, Cortex! Protect me from the Reaper!

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: You got a PM! Or... did you? :/ I'm pretty sure I sent one. But the site is being stupid and not letting me access my inbox... I'm sorry if I didn't ;w; I'll upload this chapter, but please back your stuff up! ^^


	9. Chemistry Lessons

**Aaaah, sorry this is up so late everyone~ Been ill again, so quickly had to finish off the chapter today! ^^**  
**Anyway, bit of advice for you, if you don't like science... DON'T READ D 'Cuz this chapter is just FULL of it! Then again, this chapter is basically a complete abuse of science, so then again you might enjoy it xD**

Chapter Nine: Chemistry Lessons

"OW! Now THAT was deliberate!"

Shadow looked up from leaning against the door. He had become bored of preening himself and had fallen asleep, but after having a dream about making out with Vaati narrated by a sarcastic TV voiceover he had learnt not to do that again. Hearing Ganondorf's roars from upstairs, he tried to focus on that instead.

The author tried to focus on writing the story instead of watching James May get his crotch kicked on Top Gear. Hospital TV= too good for words.

Vaati struggled valiantly against Ganondorf's kicks. He was holding tightly onto the pickaxe, which was implanted in his master's skin and leaving a rather deep cut. He couldn't help it- he had only meant to hook onto his clothes, but Ganondorf had started screaming about how they were "BODEN LIMITED EDITION! NOOOOOO!"  
Maybe, he mused, just maybe... he hadn't pierced Ganny's skin accidentally.

Giving a vicious yank, he finally succeeded in pulling the fat, Boden- wearing idiot out of the room. Ganon flipped head over heels and landed with a crash against the railings lining the edge of the platform. These railings broke, of course, and he plummeted to the bottom floor dangerously close to Shadow's head. The boy recoiled.  
"What the [CENSORED] did you do that for, Master?!"  
"Do what?! It was Vaati's fault!"  
"No, I mean fall off!"  
"I was doing a combat roll into the railings! I looked super cool, right?"  
"...No."

Vaati ignored the sound of Shadow being slowly strangled to death as he made his way into the room. Seeing the pile of blocks sitting folornely, he was at a complete loss at what to do. Looking at the pickaxe in his hand, he examined his reflection in the blade and wondered how the hell Shadow looked so much like him when they weren't even genetically related.  
Oh... a pickaxe!

If any of you are familiar with the game Minecraft, it involves the protagonist Steve crafting a world for himself using basic tools in order to shelter from various monsters that roam the overworld. Vaati was a prolific player of Minecraft, having build an entire virtual scientific lab for himself on there. He had then fallen into a deep depression after he returned to his real- life lab (which, to be honest, was less of a lab and more of underneath Shadow's bed, where he stored several noxious chemicals that would soon create horrible mutations all over the boy's body).

Vaati retrieved the key easily after his flash of inspiration, only needing to wave his pickaxe as if he had a broken arm in order to spawn a block in front of him. He proceeded up to the ceiling and grabbed it-  
"VAATI! HURRY UP, WILL YA?!" Shadow screamed from downstairs.  
"Alright, alright!"

By the time the wind mage got back down the steps and to the locked door, Shadow and Ganondorf were in the middle of a raging argument. Since approximately ten seconds had passed since he had retrieved the key, this was rather impressive. He did not catch the gist of the debate, however, as Ganondorf decided enough was enough and summoned a Wallmaster to punch Shadow several hundred times into the floor. Vaati calmly took out his pickaxe and hacked the monster to pieces.  
Ganondorf watched in a stupor. "...Huh? Vaati, where did you get that from?"  
"It would take too much time to explain to you. Just use the edge of the pickaxe to scrape Shadow up while I unlock this door." came the reply. Ganondorf took the pickaxe off him cautiously, holding it in his hands like an explosive device.

He didn't hold explosive devices very cautiously.

"MASTER!" Shadow screamed as the pickaxe shattered into several pieces under the force of Ganon's grip. "THAT WAS THE [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] DUNGEON [CENSORED] ITEM YOU [CENSORED] IDIOT!"  
Ganon shrugged and pretended not to care. "You don't need a pickaxe anyway. I can do exactly what a pickaxe does! Because I'm-"  
"Ganondorf the Super Awesome, yes." Vaati hissed, struggling with the lock which had obviously not been oiled for a while. "I know, Master! Because you're so clever-"  
Ganon's chest swelled with pride. "That I am."  
"-An' super cool-" Shadow chorused, realising Vaati's plan.  
Ganon smiled. "Of course."  
"And amazingly powerful... how about you ACT like a pickaxe?"

Ganon's face went blank. "Huh?"

"All you have to do is sit there and be quiet." Vaati said, finally succeeding in unlocking the door. Ganon did as he said. "See, Master? That's perfect."  
"But I don't look like a pickaxe! You're so stupid, Vaati!"  
"Oh, ya do, Master. It's almost uncanny." Shadow replied. He sidled up to Vaati and the two started slipping through the door. "Now you just stay there an' be a pickaxe, and we'll be back out for ya soon."  
"Can I fart?"  
"Of course ya can. Pickaxes can fart too."

"Now IN!" Vaati hissed, wrenching Shadow all the way in and slamming the door behind them so hard the walls shook. "Let's hope this door autolocks from the outside!"  
"You'd rather be trapped in this room than have to face Master Ganny?" Shadow asked, looking around with interest.  
"Yes." came the reply. "I'd rather die than-"

They both realised something at the same time.

They couldn't breathe.

"THERE'S NO [CENSORED] OXYGEN IN THE ROOM!" Shadow screamed, tearing around like a headless chicken. He rugby- tackled Vaati to the floor and breathed heavily. "Stop usin' up my air! DIE! DIE! DIE!"  
"Waaait! Shadow, get off! There's going to be something here!" Vaati gasped. "Let me go! I can't die now! This story will not end with dramatic irony!"  
"But all that's here is CHEMICALS! I TOLD you we needed the [CENSORED] dungeon item!"  
"Chemicals?!"  
On the shelves not far above them were several complicated- sounding chemicals, all in individual shiny bottles. Vaati looked at them, eyes wide, and thought desperately back to his ill- fated science lab.

Ganondorf sat outside the door, hearing the bangs and yells and chuckling. He had been hoping that there was a giant monster inside the room to eat them both up.  
Waaait... he was supposed to be a pickaxe! DID pickaxes have such violent thoughts? Did pickaxes think at all?  
Sensing that his mind was about to explode, he called for Vaati. There was no reply from behind the door.  
_Well then..._ he thought, _I'd better just do what a pickaxe would do!*_  
_What would a pickaxe do...?_  
He sat there in wall- eyed silence, sounding and thinking for all the world like a piece of mountaineering equipment.

There was silence in the chemical room as well. Shadow was desperately trying to speak in order to swear, but there simply wasn't enough oxygen to do so. The mage was working quickly and efficiently, taking the bottles down from the walls and examining the labels. He put one or two away from the rest.  
Shadow resorted to sign language.  
_W-H-A-T T-H-E [C-E-N-S-O-R-E-D] A-R-_  
He fainted.  
Vaati rolled his eyes. "You would've got that sentence out if you hadn't put the [CENSORED] in, Shadow."  
"There's no time for smartarsery!" the Grim Reaper bellowed, swinging his scythe around in the corner. "Ima waiting for some SOOOOOUUUUULLLLLLLSSSSSSS!"  
"Hold your horses." came the casual (if slightly breathless) reply. Vaati was a lot fitter than Shadow (he had spent a much longer time than him chasing after Ganondorf), so had a larger lung capacity. However, it was still limited.

He snatched up a bottle of manganese dioxide and added it to a small phial of hydrogen peroxide, making sure to measure the amounts carefully. It was hard to see in the darkness, but he shook the tube and examined it.  
"Shadow!" he said hoarsely. "Shadow, do you have a glowing splint?"  
Shadow opened one eye. "Why- the holy- HELL- would you want- a [CENSORED]- glowing- splint?!"  
"Because I may or may not have made oxygen!"  
"The only thing- that's glowing- here- is-" Shadow pointed weakly to the centre of the room and passed out again.

Vaati looked in the indicated direction. There was a Zelda- style fire grate, glowing with a very dim light. He ran over and held the test tube over it, pointing the tip gently towards the glowing.

The grate burst into flames!

"Hooray for dubious science conjectures!" Vaati whooped. "Hooray for the fire triangle! Hooray for LIFE! We have oxygen!"

"Damn it." the Grim Reaper sighed, and floated away.

Vaati put the fire out quickly so it wouldn't use up any more of the precious air. Hearing a clicking noise from the south wall, he turned quickly to see a door- which he hadn't noticed before- open slowly to reveal a gaping chasm into the next room.

"Oh, of course!" Shadow shrieked happily. "The typical Zelda- style light fire, door opens technique! Wow... nearly 30 years of the same thing..."

"Don't." Vaati sighed. "You'll make me feel old. Nine years since Minish Cap... where has the time gone?"

"Where's the quality of fanfiction gone?!" the readers wailed. The author looked innocent and continued writing.

They walked through the door, and it stayed open behind them.

Meanwhile, Ganondorf had got bored of being a pickaxe. He hated not being able to think. After all, he thought so much, he just couldn't bear having a break! His intelligence was all that defined him! What would he do without it?  
He got up and marched through the door, into the previously oxygen- deprived room. He did not stop to notice the flame, nor the open door before him. He did not stop to notice how poetic that last sentence sounded. He looked around him, enjoying freedom from being a mining implement.  
He saw the chemicals on the walls.

Ganondorf was the victim of a dangerous combination of curiosity and stupidity. It was this that drove him to make quite a large mistake.

He had no knowledge of chemistry, of course- in fact, he had no knowledge of anything except for evildoing (and even then he couldn't exactly be counted a success). But nevertheless, he pulled the bottles down from the wall cheerfully. A large grin spread over his face as he saw their long and complicated names on the labels.  
"My, my, my!" he said aloud. "I'm so glad I'm not a pickaxe anymore! I'm so clever! I can use- hyd- hid- hido- I DON'T KNOW!"  
He snatched up the test tube Vaati had used in frustration and emptied it out. "It doesn't matter if I can't read! I'll just make my OWN chemical! It'll be called Ganondorf the Awesome's Elixir of Hate!"  
His eyes shone as he thought of the possibilities this created.  
"I'll be WAY more clever than Vaati! Everyone likes Vaati because he's some stupid evil scientist! Well, everyone will HATE him now because I'LL be the RULER OF THE WORLD! No...wait... What was my ulterior motive again?"

He thought hard before giving up. He had utterly forgotten.

To cut a potentially long chapter short, Ganon was not as scientifically inclined as Vaati and so had no clue what any of the various chemicals did. He eventually mixed hydrochloric acid and, because they looked pretty, some marble chips of calcium carbonate. He mixed this substance cheerfully and sniffed it.

Shadow, who was in the other room, looked behind his shoulder. "Hey, d'ya hear someone choking?"

"No." Vaati snapped. Then he stopped and listened. "Actually, yes."

"Yay! Let's listen!"

"Yeah! I love the sound of death!"

They ran back to the wall and crouched down, listening with glee to the death throes of whoever was in the chemical room. However, something said person choked out caused them both to freeze in horror.

"I should have... stayed being... a pickaxe..."

"OH [CENSORED]!" Shadow shrieked. The two ran into the room and dragged Ganon's enormous girth out, almost choking in the process themselves. Since his armour was covered all over in menacing- looking, but slightly impractical spikes, they had no choice but to drag him out via a huge wedgie. Shadow had a small sense of deja vu while doing this.

They pulled Ganon into the room and slammed the door behind them. Shadow collapsed on the floor, his skinny body unable to take the pressure of dragging the King of Evil by his knickers anymore. Vaati slumped against the wall, panting.  
"You- made- CARBON DIOXIDE- you- you-" he stuttered, before shaking his head in despair and saying no more.  
Ganon stuck his hand down his trousers and arranged his pants back into a comfortable position. He snorted at Vaati.

"Carbon dioxide?! You made that up, you idiot! And for lying to me, I'm going to SIT ON YOU!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Wait!" Shadow yelled. Ganon stopped, his backside hovering inches from Vaati's face. The mage whimpered. "Lord Ganondorf, Master Vaati, I really don't think we oughta be doing this here. It just seems a little... unsafe, doesn't it? Almost as if something's going to leap out at us."

Everyone paused, waiting for some dramatic irony.

None came.

-  
**xD xD XD **  
**GANONDORF.**  
**PICKAXE.**  
**OMG I'M A GENIUS.**

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: Oh yeah, believe me Vaati seriously injured himself on that wall . It's taken a lot of abuse from this story... I wonder if it'll collapse altogether anytime soon? Obviously it would HAVE to fall on someone's head...that's comedy, right?  
Hrm... a thing that Zoras need to swim with... should be the winning question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.  
I think if Vaati had ended up with low intelligence, he would've had a total breakdown of self-confidence (which, of course, he finds it difficult to keep up anyway x3. ) and just not done anything. The chapter would have probably ended up with him staring sullenly into space...in all truth, I DID have a genuine reason for not putting Vaati in the "low intelligence" room...can't remember what the heck it is though! :/  
Space juice? I've heard of that somewhere xD Kind of like a drinks equivalent of blue Smarties... Shadow drinks too much of it I think . Maybe in later chapters I should put Vaati on some "space juice"... he needs some cheering up after all 8D

**WraithHeart**: Oh believe me, nothing can keep Ganondorf the Super Awesome down! Except an enormous pile of bricks, maybe a roof dropped on top of him, and an anvil for good measure. *sighs* We can always hope...  
Well, I suppose it wouldn't be hot to you if you've lived there a long time, unfortunately here in Britain we are rather famous for having cold, wet, and generally ugly weather so I'd probably find it utterly stifling! But then again my temperature has been a steady 38 plus degrees for the past few days so who knows, maybe I've got a feeling of what it's like w  
Shadow Link: I'm not damned! [CENSORED], I'll never be damned! I'll go down fighti- OH [CENSORED] THAT GIRL'S GOT AN AXE.  
*steps towards you, gunslinger-style* Oh yeah!? Bring it on, buddy! Except...hey, pretty doggy! Want me to give you a little pat? Oh go on then, don't you growl at me, it won't hurt...hey, I would thank you to GET ME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
*manages to throw shuriken-style projectile at you* I'll get out of this alive! You just wait!

**Anyways, I'll see you all next week, bear in mind that I have my first GCSEs starting from 20th of May (omg omg omg) so chapters may be a bit shorter :3 Thank you~!**


	10. More Chemistry

**Sorry this is up so late again, guys... been really ill...*sigh* and my GCSEs start on Tuesday...great! *sarcasm*  
Pfft, writing this kind of took my mind off it x3 Although this chapter does seem a little shorter! Enjoy anyway!**

Chapter Ten: More Chemistry

"MORE chemistry?! Are you being [CENSORED] serious?!" Shadow groaned. Vaati looked confused.

"Where does it say that?"

"Up there, you idiot." Shadow and Ganon said at the same time, pointing upwards towards the chapter name.

Vaati looked up and saw nothing but a ceiling. "Well, as a more rational and scientific being I refuse to accept the existence of an alternate dimension without sufficient evidence."

"You accepted it readily enough before." the author muttered, but wrote no more on the subject.

Ganon was still squatting over Vaati, looking as if he was a bit constipated. Shadow was desperately trying distraction techniques to stop him actually squashing his purple master's face in. He had previously announced that he found the atmosphere of the room to be a bit dangerous, but had been interrupted by the chapter ending. With the restrictions of the fourth wall now reduced by the imminent arrival of a new chapter, he was free to make more absurd statements about their location.

"I swear there's a giant dragon in here. Called Bob. With a face like a squashed tomato and feet like flat fish."

"You what?!"

"You [CENSORED] heard me, Vaati! I'm trying to save your skin!"

"Well, no worries." came a smooth voice from the upper corner of the room. Shadow turned, but could see nothing. The room, much like the one before, was almost empty, save for a small grate burning in the corner. Cobwebs were strewn across the floor and in the corners, perhaps representing the author's imagination. "Soon ALL your skins will need saving. You won't be here for long."

"Oooh, good!" Ganon announced, letting rip with an excited fart. Vaati shut his mouth and refused to breathe as it washed over him. "Are you going to give us a key to get us out, O voice- with- no- body?"

"Yes, I am." the voice replied. Shadow whirled around, confused. Vaati, however, saw a lit splint floating towards them from the darkness. He frowned.

"You're all going to be rescued. And Ganondorf, you are going to be crowned king!" The splint hovered above Vaati's face. The mage's eyes widened.

The fart that erupted ripped across the entire temple, causing rats to scatter and doors to fly off their hinges. The shockwave was actually visible as the floor rippled and the walls swayed back and forth.

Ganon looked over his shoulder and glared down at Vaati. The mage seemed to have lost his face.

"VAATI! Why does your face look like it's gone?!" he roared.

"You probably [CENSORED] blasted it off!" Shadow yelled.

"Vaati, put your face back on." said the author in a bored tone. "Please. Look, here it is."

"Well, thank you!" Vaati replied, attatching it to his visage cheerfully.

There was a sudden gust of hot air from nowhere in particular, that suddenly flooded through the room and made everyone gasp with its intensity. The author fled, disappearing into a wisp of condensed evil laughter. Shadow took a second to wonder whether she was the antagonist of the story, before realising that this would create quite a strange plothole.

But all the same, nobody could work out what was happening. The temperature of the room was rising steadily, with the hot air being pumped in through some unseen source as if they were in a blast furnace. Vaati ran over to the walls and felt them for cracks or openings, but there was nothing but rapidly heating stone underneath his fingers. Ganondorf, of course, was completely unable to comprehend what was happening, and had reverted back to his "pickaxe" state. Nobody found this very helpful.

Shadow took off his hat and tunic, flinging them across the room. He fell to his knees and glowered at the floor- why did he have to die now?! He had got through ten chapters! Where WAS this heat coming from?!

Luckily, the unspoken question (which, of course, is a necessity in fiction) was answered by the arrival of an enormous monster into the room. Now this sort of surprise is also not unknown in fiction, especially not fan fiction in which the author has severe writer's block. The way this monster arrived, though, was rather unusual.  
The area around which Ganon had farted (luckily, Vaati had scrambled out of the way) had been the hottest place in the room. It seemed that in their misery at the sudden temperature rise, everyone had completely failed to notice the gigantic fire monster that had been spawned. The lit splint had served more of a purpose than just temporarily burning Vaati's face off, it seemed. What had happened was-

"Master Ganondorf! You lit your fart and created THIS abomination!" Vaati announced.

"I wish you'd stop interrupting." the author hissed. "Every time I get some good prose going, you have to interfere!"

"Can't help it if I write the story quicker than you." came the snappy reply.

The monster was nothing special, being your typical snake- like entity. Its wings were transparent and sinewy, and its neck was quite disgusting, stringy and thin. It used this to a great advantage though, being able to whip it back and forth with agility in an almost beautiful manner. Its body was made up entirely of fire, which whirled around it and gave it some sort of shape.

"Heeheee, look! It just twisted itself into a bum shape!" Shadow giggled. Vaati looked away politely.

"We should fight it!" whooped Ganondorf. "I'm a pickaxe! I can kill it! Look, I have a spike so I can run into it and stab it through the guts!"  
He attempted to demonstrate this, breaking into a lumbering run and heading straight for the fire dragon. It hovered in mid- air, regarding him with what seemed like disdain, before lazily belching out a fireball that stopped him in his tracks.

"Master, your head's on fire." Vaati observed.

"NOOOOOOO! I'll go BALD!" Ganondorf screamed.

"Pickaxes are bald anyway!" Shadow offered, unhelpfully. Ganon ignored him and rolled around on the floor, trying to blow the flames off his own head and cricking his neck in the process. He rolled into a wall and lay there whimpering (and still on fire).

Vaati wasn't sure how to confront this monster, especially not when it was flailing its' neck around. He supposed it might concuss itself, because said dragon didn't seem to have much spatial awareness and was constantly smashing into the wall. It didn't seem affected in the slightest, though.

"How do we do this?!" screamed Shadow, dancing around in panic. "How do we kill this little [CENSORED]?!" He whipped his hat off and used it as a fan.

The monster seemed intrigued by this, and stopped thrashing around to watch as the boy fanned himself frantically. Vaati watched its' response with interest.

"Shadow, keep fanning yourself!" he announced. "Run around the room as well!"

"Why the [CENSORED] would I do that?! It's [CENSORED] counterproductive, innit!"

"JUST FOLLOW ME!"

Vaati sprinted around the perimeter of the room, with Shadow following behind wiggling his hat. The monster followed them enthusiastically. Ganondorf stopped trying to put his hair out and watched in interest. His mind simply could not fathom why his two lackeys were running around the room when they were supposed to be protecting him from the dragon.

He continued watching.

His eyes lit up.

"AAAAAAUUURRRRGHHHHHH!" Vaati heard Shadow shriek behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, and saw the form of the dragon stop in mid- air, apparently confused. It seemed to have twisted itself a little, but not as much as he wanted- he needed to completely immobilise it.

"What's the hold-up?" he asked Shadow in slight panic, as he saw the fire dragon inhale again. Then he noticed Ganondorf.

"LET GO OF HIS SHOULDERS!" Vaati yelled. The man was standing behind his lackey, gripping his shoulders and beaming expectantly.

"Keep moving, Shadow!" Ganondorf commanded. Shadow reluctantly began running again, with the dragon following them. Ganon's voice rang out around the chamber.

"CHA CHA CHA! LET'S ALL DO THE CONGA! CHA CHA _CHA_!"  
He flung a leg out, booting the wall and swearing.

"Shadow Link! Kick your leg out!"

Shadow raised his leg.

"CHA CHA _CHA_! Come on, boy, get into the spirit of things!"

Shadow raised his other leg as Ganondorf swung his upwards.

"CHA CHA CHA! COME AND JOIN THE CONGA! CHA CHA CHA, CONGA ALL THE WAY!"

Vaati tried to ignore them, but it was incredibly difficult to when Ganondorf blew off every time he lifted his leg. He could hear his minion choking.

"Come on Ganny, conga this way!" he said faux-cheerfully, kicking one of his legs up to get into the spirit of things. Ganondorf enthusiastically wrenched Shadow round to face the wind mage, delighted that both his minions were being so enthusiastic. Usually they were very reluctant to do things he told them to... he couldn't think why.

The three did the conga around the room in several directions, kicking their legs up in time to their own badly- sung chants. Vaati was given the responsibility to wave Shadow's hat, and did so, pretending it was instead a white flag and someone would come and rescue him soon. Shadow and Ganon were actually getting into things, and were flinging alternating legs up so cheerfully that Shadow kicked himself in the face at one point.

"Come on, guys!" the author said faux-cheerfully, jumping into the conga line. "Move the story along!"

"That would be a good idea." Vaati responded.

**Swamp Dragon Princess: **Actually, I could really do with a lie down right about now.. x3 Anyway, you got another PM! Yay!  
I was just about to type :la: then...but I wish dA emoticons would work on other sites!

**WraithHeart: **THAT is a very good point ;) Shadow Link and pretty much all the goons in Zelda history hero-worship their master waaaay too much...still, I suppose it keeps the story going xD  
Shadow Link: Not a [CENSORED] clue! I bet I could take her on though...waaait...hang on...*gulp*  
Yup, enjoy yourself, Shaddy! Maybe the mental scars will toughen you up a bit...  
DAAAAAMMMNNNNNNNNN! Waait, hang on, if I don't have a soul then surely I should be dead...haha! This means that I can keep fighting ETERNALLY! *pulls out Koloktos-style axes* Now all I have to do is grow multiple arms and I WILL RULE THE WOOOOOORLD!


	11. Ganondorf's Appetite

**This chapter... I don't know what happened xD I think I write better when I'm ill! But it's half term... so I suppose I'd better get to work on the next one! ;) I** **enjoy doing weekly updates...otherwise I'd just forget :D**

Chapter Eleven: Ganondorf's Appetite

By this time the dragon had almost given up, and had managed to grow arms and was now holding its' head in both hands. It made a feeble lunge at the author, who dodged it neatly and continued dancing around the room. Apparently she was reliving memories of primary school discos where she had made a complete fool of herself, and was determined to replace these memories with more palatable recollections.

"That's it!" Shadow suddenly broke away from the chain. "I can't [CENSORED] take it anymore!"

"That's your two THOUSANDTH swear word throughout the course of both stories!" the author yelled. "I can't believe this! I need a break from your constant language!"

"You need a writing course." Vaati muttered, and snickered at his own joke.

"Hey, where's my conga line gone?" Ganondorf asked, distraught. He decided this would be ample time to bring his imaginary friend back into the story, and gripped the air in front of him. He continued dancing in a bizarre manner.

"Well, I don't intend to- [CENSORED]!" Shadow shrieked as an explosion rent the air behind him, an expulsion of heat and fury from the monster behind him that nearly stripped the skin off his back. "[CENSORED] [CENSORED] lay it [CENSORED] off, author!"

"Has the dragon actually tied itself into a knot!?" Vaati asked, noticing that the thing was struggling to fly. It's wings seemed to be buried beneath its flanks, and it had indeed twisted itself into a flaming pretzel. It writhed in midair, sending streaks of flame across the room and flares of heat perilously close towards the author. Who had somehow pulled out a massive square with a "M" written on it.

"What does that mean!?" the wind mage whimpered. "If it's an evil spell, I'll kill you."

"No, it's the rating I'm going to put this story up to if Shadow swears one more ti-"

"[CENSORED], look at meeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm riding a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] dragon! I'm KING OF THE [CENSORED] WORLD!"

"Right, that is IT!" Vaati was knocked backwards by the force of an irate Welsh author as she charged forward, wielding the M above her head like it was a precious war artefact. She leapt at the dragon and began attacking it with huge force.

It didn't take many hits... the wrath of a furious author was far too much for any dragon to withstand for long and it eventually began to evaporate, slowly at first. Tendrils floated into the air as it was attacked at a relentless pace-

"But I wanna join in!" Ganondorf whined. "It's MY STORY! I'm going to FART AGAIN if you don't watch out!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Vaati exclaimed, grabbing the evil overlord and dragging him back by his pants. "Just let things happen without you interfering for once!"

"Go on, Master!" Shadow cheered. "You're the [CENSORED] Hulk, you are!"

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I AM! I'M NOT GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME, I'M THE HULK!" Ganondorf stopped suddenly, having made a convulsive movement against Vaati's grasp that indicated he was desperate to lunge forward. He brought out a mirror, seemingly from mid air, and examined his face thoroughly. "Of course, I'm a much more _handsome_ Hulk..."

Nobody was brave enough to contradict this statement.

The dragon was eventually beaten into submission a few seconds later. Whether this was because it simply couldn't survive prolonged assualt, or whether it decided death was preferable to being beaten up by a supervillain with an overinflated ego, we shall never truly know for sure.

"Right then, so we're supposed to get some sort of reward..." Vaati mused.

"Oh, do you mean the shiny thing that inexplicably floated down from the air?" Ganondorf asked happily. Vaati and Shadow were too shocked to respond, having been startled into silence after realising that Ganondorf was actually using big words like "inexplicably".

It was because of this shock that they completely failed to notice the pendant itself floating, as Ganon had said, through the air. The King Of Evil's eyes brightened; his diversion tactic had worked! He wriggled his way out of Vaati's limp arms (the mage had gone into a slightly delirious state of disbelief) and stood underneath the pendant, watching it fall slowly towards him.

It fell slowly.

Very slowly.

"Why do the Zelda games always make "pendant get" cutscenes so freaking SLOW!?" Ganon roared, doing a sort of fury- dance on the spot. "I'm going to POO MYSELF if it doesn't-"

"Poo yourself!?" Vaati's exclamation rang throughout the temple. "Please don't, Master! Please don't desecrate this sacred- hey, what the hell are you doing?" Ganondorf had opened his mouth, Jabu- Jabu style, and allowed the pendant to descend slowly into it. Before anyone could do anything, he had given it three loud chews and swallowed it.

There was a silence as horror dawned upon everyone in the room.

Ganon gave one last large swallow, and grinned brightly. He seemed positively ecstatic considering Ghirahim had probably put some hideous curse on the pendant that would slowly eat him inside out.

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

They exited the temple, not in the jubilant mood they had expected to exit in, but in rather a furious one. Shadow was visibly itching to punch something, Vaati was developing an eye tic, and Ganondorf was angry because he couldn't find the pendant.

"You ATE IT." Vaati hissed.

"No, I think YOU ate it! I'm Ganondorf the Super Awesome! Why would I need to eat? I need no material sustenance, I survive off my own greatness!"

Vaati was in too much of a bad mood to notice Ganon's gradually increasing intelligence. Instead, he fingered Old Guy's necklace and wondered how the heck they were going to explain this to Sahasrahla. Or, would the wonder of excretion eventually save their skins? He didn't fancy rifling through Ganon's stools to find a missing pendant, but he resigned himself to the fact that this was probably the only way they would retrieve it.

They walked in a solemn silence back across the fauna, stopping only so Vaati could summon the wind to blow them across the broken bridge.

"Wh-" Shadow began.

"NO." Vaati stopped him before his words could even become discernible. They walked for another hour.

"Why do-"

"NO."

Another hour of walking.

"Why don't we telepor-"

"_I'M IN TOO MUCH OF A BAD MOOD TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID ADVICE_."

Shadow fell silent miserably. He wished they had Bob.

"Hello everyone~!" Sahasrahla greeted them cheerfully when they arrived at his door, holding a fresh batch of scones and tea in his wrinkled hands. Vaati was the first to take one, but was so physically exhausted from hours of walking and getting lost that he missed the plate and simply fainted away at the old man's feet. Ganondorf looked delighted at this opportunity to physically destroy his minion, but he was pulled back by Shadow.

"Have you got the pendant?" Sahasrahla asked cheerfully. "Because after all, it's completely integral to your quest and without it, who knows, this story probably won't even continue!"

Vaati, lying prostrate on the floor, suddenly found himself hoping that that pendant would stay inside Ganondorf forever.

After the mage had recovered, they sat in silence in the old man's house, poring over the ancient map he had given them while he elaborated over what temples they should go to next.

Nobody was brave enough to tell him that the pendant had unfortunately been swallowed, although Vaati seriously started considering it when he heard Sahasrahla's description of the next dungeon they would encounter.  
"So...you will need to venture into a water temple...venture into the depths and find the sacred spot where your next pendant lies...only then will you be able to break the curse that is put upon this kingdom!"

"Always with the curses..." Shadow muttered. "I didn't think Ghirahim would be capable of running an entire kingdom on his own anyway..."

"Ghirahim?" Sahasrahla looked confused. "Just remember, young boy...Ghirahim is not your _only_ enemy!"

Vaati looked mildly surprised at this- one could almost hear his quick brain ticking over, going through every foe they had encountered along their travels.

He stared at his hands in his lap, thinking hard. Old Man, maybe? It was probably something like that...

"This chapter is boring." Ganondorf announced, breaking the silence. "I'm going to have a poo."

Vaati closed his eyes in despair.

**WraithHeart**: Yes, I am ill often xD It's not an excuse, I promise!  
Awww... no mental impairment? What a shame, what a shame... and here I was thinking I could be responsible...*wistful sigh*  
Ooooh hot dang! Now THAT'S a bit unfortunate... I didn't think of that! *looks around wildly* Hey, at the start of your review you mentioned a nuclear bomb...where the heck's my nuclear bomb!? WHERE IS IT!?  
Or then again *evil grin* if I'm some kind of spectre, surely I should be able to do what 90% of evil spectres do and absorb your soul...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

**Anyway guys, a bit of news; I've become addicted to TV Tropes, Little Big Planet, and Mortal Kombat w Oh dear... my production values may decrease a little...xD Or you poor readers will just get a ton of obscure and unfunny references xD**


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